Gross

Bored at home waiting until doctors appointment. DO NOT wanna go. Awkward stirrups and indecent exposure not my idea of a fun time if there's no E around. Still trying to run into him on campus. Never where he is in the past.

"I dont wanna be the girl that you forget about"

I keep thinking about E. I want him. Bad. Plain and simple. I cant stay mad at him. He makes me all fluttery and and happy. He's the only guy I've gotten naked with that I wasnt having a nervouse breakdown about my body. We never boinked but I would have let him if it led that way. Whats happening to me? Im not who i used to be. Used to be traditional. Never do a guy I just met. Get to know him first.

Where has the old andrea gone?

"A smoking gun in hand, now dont you realize what you've done?"

To S:
Wow. I wonder how your mind works, where you think its ok to talk to people the way you do, and not expect there to be reprocussions. I've been more of a friend to you then you will ever be able to fully appreciate. Think back to the winter of 08. All those rides 2 DP? All the gas money you never gave me? You used me as a chuaffer. Sure plans were made to stay local some nights. But no matter what we ended up at J's place. I have nothing against him. He's fucking awesome.

You dont get your way and your throw a fucking temper tantrum. You know full well my phone doesnt work at my work. I dont pick up and you go into a little bitch-fit. You think I accept your apology for hurting me the first time gives you a free pass to being buddy-buddies. Think again asshole. You gotta make an effort to make things right. Dont apologize and expect me not to tell you to go fuck yourself when you joke about something that you know pisses me off.

Fuck it. Your a waste of my damn time. Im not dealing with your head games.

Happy New Year Bitches!!!

Im late with this I know. Not that anybody reads this blog to begin with.

Im over the C bullshit. I've purged him from my life and my computer.

My friends have been amazing.

CO has helped me in more ways then she will ever know. I wish the best for her and her husband and pray to "any higher power that'll still listen to me"(Tucker Max) that they be blessed with the child they deserve.
S, even with all his dramatics he's kept thing interesting. Thats for damn sure. I hope he gets himself where he needs to be so he can be successful.
J, big gay J. He's been phenomenal. A bunch of fun. He's loud and cheerful and manages to make me smile when Im at my worst.
CD, we've been best friends for the longest time. I cant fucking wait for your wedding girl!!! I do apologize in advance if i over indulge on the alcohol. I will try my hardest to not be obnoxious.

Keeps gettin better

No actually it doesnt.

Crappy late thanksgiving.

I've been broken hearted once again. C.I love him more then I can stand but I dont think he loves me. There's another girl and I waited to long to confess I was never really over him. Now he's in to deep and wont hurt her. I feel absolutely fucking crushed. Why the fuck cant I be loved? I try to be positive and upbeat but i keep getting burned. I dont think I can keep doing this. Im not even looking for sex anymore. I just want someone to hold me and make me feel special.

Where is the love?

Finally free...(almost)

So I changed my cell # yesterday. And J is apparently pestering my gays for the new digits. He has even gone so far as to look up my house number. Of course i didnt answer it and thank god for the generic voicemail greeting with no names in it. I told them to say they dont have my number. S is an idiot and was honest but told him he couldnt give it out. Now J is pestering him for it. In some ways i feel bad that S got dragged into it but in other ways I dont feel bad because if he had just told him what i told him to it would be ok.

More conversations with E in the past few days. I do love that boy. :)

And it just gets wierder

Im tired of people. Yep I give up on the human race.

I told J i was tired of his shit he needs to leave me alone and stop calling me. He of course is an idiot and doesnt get the message. I've tried being nice and it doesnt work. I've tried being rude and that doesnt work. Im running out of options here. I just dont feel an attraction to him. Simple as that. I thought i would grow to like him but I dont.

S is another moron. He calls and asks for advice, then doesnt follow it. Then he wonders why I get pissed off when he asks for more. My gays are misbehaving and Im displeased. Im tired of being their marriage counciler.

I want a full time job NOW!!! Im tired of my boss and her shit. I need change.

I've been in touch with E recently :D. I saw him walking to the tech building at school but im to chicken shit to ditch my friend on the phone to make my presence known. I texted him and he said he missed me. Then on friday we were texting and he said he'd rather be with me then in school right then. I told him I'd like that. If I see him tomorrow I'll make myself known. :)

Happy late halloween

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!

Thats what I want to do. More specifically I want to scream at the top of my lungs until my voice gives or i pass out. Although a good fucking would probably ease my frazzled nerves. I've decided to drop one of my courses. I just cant get all the work done for all the classes so my managment class is the one to go. I'll lose the money but it'll be better to lose the money for one course then to fail 4. I can still do a buy back on the book.

I think im getting carpal(sp?) tunnel in my thumb from texting. This isnt good since I love to text. Maybe my new phone will help with it. It's got a full keyboard so I wont b able to text wen im drivin anymore(EEK!). Hopefully i can get the phone numbers transferred over tomorrow. I wanted to wait untill I could go to my friends store and get it done there but my old phone died and I needed a phone. Why couldn't I just charge it you say? Read the next paragraph...

Our house is in chaos. This is because we're gettin hardwood floors put in. We just pulled up the crappy carpet and ugly peel 'n stick tiles today. Everything is moved or lost, including my phone charger that dear old momma lost. I was unfortunately at work today and couldnt move my crap when she needed it moved. I just dont understand why you wouldnt put someones stuff in their room is they arent here to claim it. I could understand if it was say my eyebrow waxing kit because thats got alot of stuff in it. But a cell phone charger isnt that much of a burden that it couldnt be thrown on my bed. Im really not that particular.

I dont understand people's thinking.

Back to school

And feeling more overwhelmed then ever. I wanna hide and cry Im so nervous. Im trying to keep my head clear but its just so scarey. On the plus side I heard from E today. He always makes me smile :).

I've been torturing myself with the syllabus all afternoon. I gotta get a better job. Im so not diggin school anymore. Maybe I could change classes or something.

"Spend my money on women and wine..."

But i couldn't tell ya where I spent last niiiight.

I turned 21 last week. WOOOOOOOOOT!!! My current drink of craving is cheap wine or white Russians. I'm going to my friends house tomorrow to get trashed!!! Sooooooooo excited!!!

Not a huge celebration on the actual day. My cousin took me to the beach and we got cheap wine for the girls and Budweiser for the boys. And some kind of fruity drink from Captain Morgans. They didn't seem to have as strong of an effect as the wine. I cant remember the ride back home. We got in around 3 am and cooked Alfredo garlic pasta and it was SO good.

I had to drop $260 on books for school today and that's only for 2 of the 4 books i need. This is getting pricey and I'm not sure I can keep going at it. Gonna try to get some financial aid or something. Somethings gotta give soon.

J is now telling people I'm his girlfriend. I don't know how I feel about that. He's alright I guess but I'm not feeling the spark and tingles like I usually do. If i cant get him to slow down a little I'll just change my phone number again and disappear. He doesn't drive and has only been to my house once for like 3 minutes so I could get my alcohol out of my room. It wouldn't be to hard to shake this one.

We'll see...

No such luck

Unfortunately J is still interested. And yet at the same time I hear he's on a gay chatline. Go fuckin figure right? At least Im not letting him get close enough to hurt me. My trust issues are bubbling up to the surface again.

Im currently scrambling to get a fourth class this semester since one of the classes got cancelled. I had to grab an online course because one of the classes that i got dropped from filled up. I think I'll work on that course between my 2 on campus courses. Money is a pain this time around. At least the one online class reduces my gas consumption. Wow who sounds like a tree hugger?

Just got off the phone with T. I wish sooooooooo bad I could be with him. To bad Im stuck in this crap heap called The Cape.

J and Steven can kiss...

...the fattest part of my ass!!!

I FUCKING QUIT!!!

Im moving to a friggin convent and becoming a nun. Thats looking like the only way Im gonna get people to friggin drop this whole thing with J. I cant understand how it is that Steven can run around like a fucking $.50 whore and nobody says anything about it. But heaven forbid I sleep with ONE FUCKING GUY in 2 years and suddenly Im a tramp and we simply must broadcast it across the fucking planet.

I think J might have gotten tired of me blowing him off. Its not like I had a choice. My mom had her gaulbladder out on wednesday and I havent been able to come out and hang. I explained this to him multiple times prior to the surgery date. Yet every friggin day he's asked me to come hang with him. Then I got sick at the hospital with bronchitis or some shit(thanks steven). I feel like shit and just dont feel like going out. Nobody fucking gets it. Out of the 5 of us, Im the only one with a job and a car. None of them give me gas money.

Gaaaaaaaaaah random rants galore....

Im getting the feeling that...

...my vagina secretes Zyprexa,Aterall, marinara sauce, and THC.

Let me explain(probably repeating myself) why I think this.

Every boyfriend I have ever had has either been Bi-polar, ADHD, Italian or a stoner.

First boyfriend-ADHD, Italian, Stoner
Second boyfriend-ADHD, Stoner, strongly suspected italian
Third boyfriend- ADHD turned Bi-Polar, Italian, Stoner
Fourth boyfriend-ADHD, Stoner, suspected Italian

I met one of Stevens friends last sunday night.We will call him J We ended up hooking up(mistake number 1) without a condom(mistake number 2) after knowing eachother maybe 3 hours(my own mistake number 3). Dont even begin to judge me. It had been 2 years 2 months and 1 day since I had last had sex. I was just going with the flow. I swore up and down all week that it was only going to be a one night stand and that it would be the only one I ever had for the rest of my life. Then thursday he calls me (should have changed my friggin number) asking if I wouldnt mind giving him a ride to his moms house in B-bay. I had about as much resistance as a fucking cotton ball. I drive up to his apt and we hang out watching Scarface and eating hot dogs. His first move was repeating "Hey fuck you" and poking my face. I nip at his finger and he laughs. Then during the dancing scene with the girl in the green dress he decides to pretend he can sing and dance and pulls me up to dance with him. He kissed my cheek and we sit back down. There was an arm across my sholders here and there but nothing really spectacular. That is untill the last scene where Al Pacino is shooting everybody up. I guess big fight scenes with ficticous drug lords get him going because things escalated from a grope.

I still feel pretty skanky about it. But at the same time I want more.

"The minute you let her under your skin, then you begin to make it better..."

And the whirlwind that seems to be my emotions continues.

E contacted me on wednesday night. I guess things didnt work out with the one he was attached to in TX. Despite everything I still have feelings for him. We got together on thursday and he was so sweet. I hope I hear from him again. Sent a text a few minutes ago. I can actually say Im happy which is a first.

A haiku:

He smiles at her
Like sunshine, it melts her heart
Have the walls been cracked?

"Lucy in the Sky with diamonds"

Not alot has happened lately. I've been picking up more clients in the salon. I did have a very rude woman come in the other day. She criticized everything I did. Then she wanted me to use clippers to cut the hard skin around her nails and legally I can't do that. She was very insistent on it but i stood my ground. She ended up taking the clippers herself and hacked away at her fingers. Then of course she complained about the clippers being dull. Sorry they were meant to cut nails not your dead skin lady. I was very happy when she left. Told my boss to blacklist her name, that if she was booked with me again I was quiting.

Found out my van is gonna cost about 2000 in repairs to get it inspection ready. This makes me sad. I want my baby back :( Im tired of this little Taurus. I like my van becuase its surprisingly good on gas. And with prices being what they are I need to save where I can.

bits and peices

The salon is finally picking up. I had 5 people last week which is alot more then normal. My sisters and mom are almost out of school which means i wont have to be up at 7 am to drive anyone to school.WOO HOO!!! I'll be kinda bummed about the early drop off job being done for the summer tho. That little bit of cash really helped.

I heard from my grandmother yesterday. She had the tumor removed and is undergoing radiation . She's happy to have it out and Im glad she's ok. I planned on sending a card but as does everything in my life it got away from me.

no nifty title today

I have no idea why Im writting this entry. Im bored at work and waiting for my virus scan to complete it self.

Im seriously bummed out about not being able to see T this summer. Plans fell through. I wish I could just up and go but I have work and restrictions.

I found out my grandmother has breast cancer. I think today she was getting radiation and then they would see if she needed chemo. I may have to go out and stay with her for a week if things get worse. I really hope she's gonna be ok.

"Your askin me will my love grow?"

I want somebody to tell me its gonna get easier. That there really is someone out there for me. That im not gonna end up a lonely spinster.

I just dont get it. Im really fucking nice. I dont judge people, i dont start drama, i mind my own business. I don't stray to far from the "good" path. And when I do I dont go hog wild. Yet with all this good I always attract all this bad. But you look at some of the other girls in town and they are so awful. Running around whoring it up, and just being little bitches. And the good guys are falling all over each other to get to them. I admit i screwed up big time about 3 years ago. Im trying to at least burry that indiscretion and move on. I got a call today from an ex beggin money off me. I can't seem to escape the past.

GRRRRRRRRR

Every now and then.

I guess I'll just write in here every now and then.

Was supposed to go up to Brighton this weekend to party with my cousin but rainy ass weather prevented that. Bummed out because I needed to let loose.

Going a hair show next weekend. Im super excited because I can buy high end salon products for really cheap. I gotta find some decent dandruff shampoo. I wanna peel my scalp off sometimes it itches so bad.

T pissed me off the other night. I finally tell him I can go out to see him and that my gay friend Steven and his fiance are coming with me. He's all excited and happy for that. Then he starts talkin about how he can have sex with them too. It's like what the fuck? I'm not enough? And on top of that my friends are all for it. Im tempted to call the whole thing off. Fuck em all. Sorry but I dont fuck gay guys.

Why can't I catch a break?

"Will i lose my dignity?"

Is this the end of inside a jaded girls mind?

Currently:
Feeling: heart burn
Listening: radio
Tasting: Spaghetti -o's
Located: work

No T last ngiht again. I think its finals week for him and he's been studying. I didnt think about that till last night because im brain dead. Felt extra lonely to. I hope he's ok.

E offered another nap last night. And of course I can't say no. Because Im starved for love. Or at least a little attention. I hope he goes through with his offer this time because it hurts when he doesn't. He offered one other time but then said he couldnt do it. I havent heard from him today yet. I hope he doesnt back out because even though he's still attached Im lonely. If he gets weird I can justify it in a way that wont make him sad.

The wait is the hardest part