Back to school

And feeling more overwhelmed then ever. I wanna hide and cry Im so nervous. Im trying to keep my head clear but its just so scarey. On the plus side I heard from E today. He always makes me smile :).

I've been torturing myself with the syllabus all afternoon. I gotta get a better job. Im so not diggin school anymore. Maybe I could change classes or something.

"They tumble as they make their way across the universe..."

Currently:

Feeling: mellow

Listening: Across the universe sound track

Tasting: nothing

Located: The Connector



See what happens when you take 6 days off from blogging? Im scrambling to crank out entries in time for the second journal check. Hopefully he wont check right away. I can squeeze in another entry later today.



Im really looking forward to summer. I can't get the time off to go to camp this summer. WOO HOO!!! I was kind of getting tired of it. It's church camp and I only went to keep my mom off my ass. Its just very repressive there. I got a dirty look from the camp nurse when I asked her for a tampon last summer. All I wanted to do was go swimming. I'd probably be crucified if they found my birth control. Because Im a total tramp huh?



Had my manager almost pissing her pants the other day. The upstairs bathroom at work for some reason has a window installed at ass level. I dont like to flash my bare butt at the entire neighborhood. I always pull the shade down. My boss started bitching and told us leave it where she put. I told her "Sorry Donna I just dont like the ENTIRE hood see my bare ass flappin in the breeze" then a few seconds later " The only people I want seeing my bare ass is a boyfriend and you wanna know why?" she says "Why?" in a piss tone. Im like "Because then I know something very fun about to happen" The manager almost died.

"Would you want me when Im not myself..."

Currently:
Feeling: negative. i seriously cant pick one suck emotion to describe how i feel right now. I'm a combination of them all
Listening: nothing
Tasting: nothing
Located: recently flipped over mattress(hey i got something done!)

I cant figure anything out anymore. My mom may not let me take a vacation this summer to visit friends in Illinois. I'm not sure if I want to stick with my current major. I'm contemplating possibly moving out and going away for school. I don't know what I want anymore. My head is all mixed up.

I want more freedom. My mom is very controlling lately. I wanted to wear a skirt last week and the night before I was looking for black nylons and she got very suspicious and weird about it. I know she still doesn't trust me after what happened 3 years ago. I've been relatively decent as far as behavior goes since then but she still cant let go. I know she'd flip if she found out i put myself on birth control. I feel restricted and smothered.

AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHRRRRRRRRRGGGGGG

Technology hates me

Its oh so true.

Currently:
Feeling: frustrated
Listening to: Celebrity Fit Club Boot Camp
Tasting: milk
Located: living room couch

The past 3 or so days I havent been able to connect to the internet on my lappy. The last person to access the web was my sister Kelly so I'm thinking she fucked it up. She refuses to admit to anything. I was on the phone yesterday with dell for an hour+. Tried doing a system restore and nothing. They tried fixing it via remote access and nothing. They told me there's nothing wrong with the laptop and nothing wrong with my wireless router. They said it had to have something to do with the chanels or something. I just want my lap top to work. This couldn't have happened at a worse time. I have papers to write and i need the internet to get to my information.

Thursday was my physical exam for the birth control. God was that ever awkward. My HIV test came back negative(WOOHOO!!!). I did have some bacterial vaginosis thing. The doctor said it didnt look like an STD. She put me on an antibiotic to hopefully clear it up. I'll have all my test results back in 3 weeks max. Im just hoping its not something serious. The counciler told me it could just be from stress. I was pretty freaked out earlier in the week.

Hoping the lap top works again.

A dog can only be kicked when it down so many times...

...before it stops fighting.



Currently:

Feeling: drained and strung out

Listening: the swirling of the pedicure throne in the other room

Tasting: buttery pop corn and Sprite

Located: work(what a surprise)



When it rains it fucking pours.



I planned on having my ex fix the tensioner in my van last night. I pick him up to go to Auto Zone to get the part. We stop off at the ATM so I can take cash out so we can buy some booze after. My plan was to use the cash for the alcohol and my card for the part. We get to Auto Zone and I can't find my card. I tear my purse and my car apart trying to find it. I go back to the bank looking all over the place and still cant find it. I am freaking the hell out at this point. We go back and use the cash to get the part. At this point my ex is trying to passively change my mind saying i can wait another day. I will not have any of this and tell him I'm sick of the squealing I want it to stop. We buy the part and go back to his house to fix it. I go inside to chill out with his mom and try to get a hold of the bank to put a stop on my card. His friend comes in and says he didn't need to replace the tensioner just needed to loosen the belt. We rush back to the store to return the part and get my money back.



While we are driving the coolant light turns on and the temperature gage is reading hot. We blast the heat to try and cool the engine. We return the part and go back to his house to put water in the radiator(or whatever it is). I am absolutely livid. From my point of view it seems like everything is fucking up since he messed with the part. I try to drive home and the steering wheel is almost rock solid. Barely moving. The van dies twice on the way home and a third and final time in front of my house. Turns out the dip shit loosened the belt to much and it came off the tensioner. This is kind of a big deal considering it...oh i don't know RUNS THE WHOLE ENGINE!!!



This morning was another fun adventure bringing me closer to my inevitable nervous break down. I realize I cant find my key to get into work. Now I'm panicing because I think I left it in my car door last night when i went to get my stuff out(its on the same ring as my car key). My boss would kill me

Not good

And I ask myself "how the hell do I find these people?"

Currently:
Feeling: both worried and a little upset
Listening to: Deane Carter "Did I shave my legs for this?"
Tasing: onions from my hot dog at lunch
Located: work

My friend Steven ran away from home around March 10. I was in contact with him until about a week and a half ago. Then the phone calls stopped. I sent him a light hearted myspace message a few days ago. I know he read it but he didnt reply. I thought this was odd but kind of let it go. I sent a happy easter text to his fiance/boyfriend/husband/whatever and didnt ger a reply. This morning stevens mom calls me wondering if if i had heard from him. I tell her i havent heard from him and she tells me that the last time he ran off it was with Justin. Apparently when he was with Justin, he wouldn't let steven use the phone and when steven was trying to talk to his mom he would hit him. I tend to believe her because of the lack of communication with steven.

I think E is done talking to me for now. He barely aknowledged me today at school today. I wish I didnt like him like I do. Then I could let the whole thing go. Despite him being attached I still want him. I hate that I'm one of those girls who (secretely) longs for the one she can't have.

If only i could get rid of a few unpleasant feelings...

Just flippin' great

Life hates me.

Currently:
Feeling: aggravated
listening to: nothing
tasting: flat coke
located: STILL sinking mattress

So after getting my mom to let me go to IL this summer to see my friends she decides today she would rather me go with her to see my dad while he's at accounting school in Mississippi. She hasn't said specifically that she doesn't want me going but that she would rather the other way. I know her and this is only the beginning of he saying no all together. And I cant get all pissed off at her about it because I was kind of an ass to her today when we were shopping. I didn't mean to be a pain I was just very tired and my ankles hurt. I gotta make this up to her some how.

I miss T. I haven't heard from him in a few days and I'm getting worried. I thought he was into me but maybe I was wrong. E has been confiding in me the last few days about him and his lady. He worries the hell out of me. Despite everything that has transpired between us I don't hate the fact that he's still living. I just wish I could keep my feelings in check. I haven't revealed anything to him but inside my head its a roller coaster.

I guess I can count the fact that I havent started smoking again as something good.

I need new friends

I'm getting very tired of the drama with my two gay friends. GUYS ARE SUPPOSED TO BE DRAMA FREE DAMN IT!!!

Currently I am:
Feeling: drained and used
Tasting: Mountain Dew
Listening to: Alicia Key's "Falling"
Located: work as always

So I'm supposed to be going to Province town this Saturday with my friend Steven and his fiance Justin. Every time I hang out with them I'm the only girl. I was getting kinda tired of this so i decided I was going to bring my friend Autumn. We planned on staying at Justin's the night before because he lives in Dennis port. When Steven tells this to Justin, he gets all pissy about it and says if she has to come then he just wont go. I feel that's fucked up because I make it possible for him and Steven to see each other when they aren't supposed to be. All I wanted was some more girl in the mix. The three of us got into a giant scream fest that ended with me storming out screaming and swearing at them and leaving Steven stranded. At this point I just don't give a shit anymore. They use me for their forbidden relationship and I'm tired of it.

Steven had the nerve to call me today looking to see if the trip was still on. I told him I don't have a car this weekend mine died(big fat lie) because I just didn't want to go in a circle. He said why not use your moms car. My mom actually does have to work all weekend and will need to move between jobs at times that i would be away with the car. I told him I'm not taking his mom's car because what happens if she needs it. I'm also not on her insurance and what happens if we get in a car accident? He suggested the little burgundy car in my drive way. Oh yes lets take the car that has no inspection sticker, no licence plates, no valid insurance on it, and has mice in the engine. Dip shit.

My boss and manager both think these two are suckers. They suck your energy and money out until you put up boundaries. Then they either comply or leache onto someone else.

Where's the whiskey when you need it?

"You got my head spinning..."

At least thats what the sudden tidal wave of customers and tasks has done to me.

Currently I am:
Feeling: overwhelmed
Listening to: Some 80s song on the radio that i actually DON'T like
Tasting: water lol
Located in: work(what else is new?)

Almost as soon as I get into work today it seems that everyone and their mother needed to call or come in all at the same time.I've been here since 9:30 and i have only just now gotten a moment to sit and think. The cleaning ladies kept me laughing telling me I should just tell the customers to F*** off we dont have shoe s*** here. I told them even that wouldnt get my sorry ass fired. Seriously, I've tried to quit. The boss wont let me.

I'm gonna be going to Provincetown on the 15th with my gay friend Steven and his fiance Justin. My mom told me not to go into the sex shops because I would be scared. Now that she's told me this my curiosity will get the better of me and I'll end up looking in at least one of them.

I wonder whats taking my pizza so long to arrive. Im a chubby kid and i like to eat dang it!

Low-blow to the ego fo sho'!

The other night was a total downer.

Currently I am:
Feeling: frustrated
Listening to: a freebie promo CD from Newbury Comics
Tasting: nothing
Located in: still sinking mattress

I have become so completely pathetic that the only offer I've gotten for intimate contact with the opposite sex is from my gay friend Steven. Does it say desprate on my face? I mean I know I have T to look forward to this summer but I cant help but peak around. Like this guy in my english class this semester.We'll call him E. We hooked up a few times and almost dated. I know he's got his girlfriend but I still think about those late night adventures. Wow now I sound like some creepy pervert. Ok moving on.

I finally finally really decided that my research paper will be on gun control. I am no allowing myself to change it anymore.

Wow another blog post that feels more like pulling teeth then fun.

"See androids fighting..."

Yea got The Rocky Horror Picture Show music stuck in my head.

Currently I am:
Feeling: much better then yesterday
Listening to: nothing
Tasting: bubble gum flavored mouth wash(yea I'm really a 6 year old with a 20 year old's body)
Located in: bed that needs its mattress turned over soon(sink hole yes?)

I haven't been in the best of moods since about Thursday when I found out my checking account is very overdrawn. This isn't good because in about four days i will need to have some kind of money in this account to go toward my payment plan for school. I have no idea how I'm going to do this. I really hate asking for money from people but I will have to bite the bullet because if I screw up the payment plan its marks down on my credit score. This whole thing coupled with the shitty sleep schedule last week has sent me into a combination depression/frustration.

I did end up attending the multicultural festival on campus today. It was actually a lot of fun despite going by myself. I learned that there is a lot more culturally on the cape then I used to think. I wish i could have looked more at what the vendors where selling but it was just so crowded.

I need some inspiration for flippin' blog entries.

I feel old

I'm running myself down.

Currently I am:
Feeling: worn out
Listening to: some people talking on the radio
Tasting: mint gum
Located in: work

I'm begining to think the reason I feel as old and worn as I do is because of the people I hang out with. Im very mellow and laid back. For the most part I dont let things get to me. However, the group of people I hang out with is the exact opposite. The majority of my friends are ADD/ADHD. Extremely high strung people who can survive off 15 minutes of sleep a week. Last night I decided to go bowling with Steve and his boyfriend Justin. I didnt realize we would be bowling for 4 hours at a dollar a string. By the end of this i wasnt trying to aim even remotely close to our lane. My arms where on fire and i couldnt see straight. The boys on the other hand where not affected. They loked like they could go for weeks and not be tired.

This isnt the first time I've hung out with ADHDs. No, in fact all 4 boyfriends I've had in my short love life have all been italian ADHDs. I used to be able to keep up with them but lately I've been feeling the strain of not having a normal sleep scheduel. I wonder if i would stil feel like this if i had different friend and normal boyfriends.

If only I could turn back time...

"Im not crazy, Im just a little unwell..."

PEOPLE think I'm crazy when actually I'm just bored

Currently I am:
Feeling:a little sleepy and kind of nervouse for my mom flying to Nashville tomorrow
Listening to: the whiring of the dehumidifyer
Tasting: nothing
Located in:bed

So Im begining to officially freak the fuck out about English class. I have no clue what to do my research paper on and its driving me crazy. I submitted my proposal on immunizations and the diagnosis of autism but that topic is not good because of the lack of evidence. So far the only topic that sticks in my head would be perms and their effects on the environment. If only the college had books on that sort of thing. I also need to conduct an interview with some one in the industry. I hate talking to people. Its all that anxiety from public speaking.

On a lighter note I almost dove on my sister today. Now now befor you think "how is that a lighter note?" let me tell you the whole story. My sister Kelly is a junior in high school. Very tomboyish, never been into girly stuff unless we force her to do it. My mom, other sister Rebecca and I have decided Kelly is going to junior prom and she will be dressed up nicely. While driving down mainstreet in buzzards bay today we see a bridal shop with prom dresses in the window. I point it out and say how about a dress from there? Kelly says "Thats a bridal shop" and Rebecca pipes in "yea they dont sell prom dresses there" Now I started preparing for prom when I was in 7th grade. I had stacks and stacks of prom magazines for dresses and hair dos and make up galore. I spent four years looking for a dress and 2 deciding on a hair style. To say I am an expert on proms would be pretty accurate. My response to my sister Rebecca saying bridal shops dont sell prom dresses: "Fuck you bridal shops do so sell prom dresses. Do not even talk to me about proms. I know what places sell prom dresses and what places dont"

The car got really quiet.

Nothin in particular

There isn't any specific topic in this entry.

Currently I am:
Feeling: nausueas,sleepy and slightly more bitter then yesterday(this wont get any better till after valentines day)
Listening to: clickety click of my key board and my dryer
Tasting: nothing
Located: my bed

So today wasnt all that exciting. I had to work at 10 in the nail salon. This meant I had to be in at least 10 minutes early in order to set up for my client. In an attempt to make up for time lost because I forgot to reset my clock after the power went out yesterday I took my moms car because she was on the end of the drive way. I mindlessly handed over my key ring completely forgetting that my key to get into work was on the ring until i pulled into the drive way. I was very lucky that my coworker got there 5 minutes later because I would have had to compensate my client for my lack of focus. After I was done with my one and only client of the day I went home to get my mom and we went to the "rich peoples" mall. I spent the day in search of a pair of black knee-high boots with a chunky heel and wide calf. No such luck. Ended up buying some under garments and fancy food spreads. My mom and I where so tired we ended up just bying a bunch of frozen finger foods for dinner. I've been dieting for about 2 weeks now and apparently that really kills your tolerance for fried frozen foods. I have been hugging the toilet all night as if I had a hangover.

I am begining to think my car hates me. A few weeks ago a belt and water pump both broke right around the time i had to make my first payment for classes. This set me about $136 in the red. Ever since I got my car back it's been making a spealing noise. Being the busy lady that I am I havent been able to take my car back for service. Well now I have to make time because my check engine light just went on yesterday. I'm bringing it in on Monday and praying its nothing expensive because I just dont have the money.

Tomorrow will be a day of church, rest, studying, and a birthday party for my dads friends one year old. I just hope I have the time to get it all done. Damned procrastination.