I feel so hollow.
Currently:
feeling: sad, empty, sick to my fucking stomach
Listening to: O-town
Tasting: salty tears and probably snot
Located: under the covers
I'm turning into the type of person I hate the most. I want to throw up I'm so disgusted with myself. I swore I would never be one of those girls that fell for a guy that she knew had someone. I should have known this would happen. I'm not aloud to be happy for very long. I went over to Es house today to give him the English assignment and take a nap. I figured there might be a bit of play because of how he was acting kinda flirty. I knew he had a girl but thought maybe he was just lonely and wanted someone warm. And my traitorous heart fell hard and fast for him as we got twisted around eachother beneath the sheets. I left feeling all smiley and floaty thinking someone wanted me only to get a text message that he still loves his girl and he's sorry. I am absolutely crushed right now. I cant stop crying because I thought there might be something. I hate myself for letting my heart lead me. I just want to feel something other then heart ache. I know there's T but he's so far away. I'm so screwed up about this whole thing.
I fucking quit!
Showing posts with label About me. Show all posts
Showing posts with label About me. Show all posts
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
I feel old
I'm running myself down.
Currently I am:
Feeling: worn out
Listening to: some people talking on the radio
Tasting: mint gum
Located in: work
I'm begining to think the reason I feel as old and worn as I do is because of the people I hang out with. Im very mellow and laid back. For the most part I dont let things get to me. However, the group of people I hang out with is the exact opposite. The majority of my friends are ADD/ADHD. Extremely high strung people who can survive off 15 minutes of sleep a week. Last night I decided to go bowling with Steve and his boyfriend Justin. I didnt realize we would be bowling for 4 hours at a dollar a string. By the end of this i wasnt trying to aim even remotely close to our lane. My arms where on fire and i couldnt see straight. The boys on the other hand where not affected. They loked like they could go for weeks and not be tired.
This isnt the first time I've hung out with ADHDs. No, in fact all 4 boyfriends I've had in my short love life have all been italian ADHDs. I used to be able to keep up with them but lately I've been feeling the strain of not having a normal sleep scheduel. I wonder if i would stil feel like this if i had different friend and normal boyfriends.
If only I could turn back time...
Currently I am:
Feeling: worn out
Listening to: some people talking on the radio
Tasting: mint gum
Located in: work
I'm begining to think the reason I feel as old and worn as I do is because of the people I hang out with. Im very mellow and laid back. For the most part I dont let things get to me. However, the group of people I hang out with is the exact opposite. The majority of my friends are ADD/ADHD. Extremely high strung people who can survive off 15 minutes of sleep a week. Last night I decided to go bowling with Steve and his boyfriend Justin. I didnt realize we would be bowling for 4 hours at a dollar a string. By the end of this i wasnt trying to aim even remotely close to our lane. My arms where on fire and i couldnt see straight. The boys on the other hand where not affected. They loked like they could go for weeks and not be tired.
This isnt the first time I've hung out with ADHDs. No, in fact all 4 boyfriends I've had in my short love life have all been italian ADHDs. I used to be able to keep up with them but lately I've been feeling the strain of not having a normal sleep scheduel. I wonder if i would stil feel like this if i had different friend and normal boyfriends.
If only I could turn back time...
Thursday, February 7, 2008
The histroy of my "blogging"
Since Im about 4 entries behind what my proff said we should have and my creative juices have pretty much evaporated I bring you a "filler entry"
Currently I am:
Feeling: sore in my mouth because my dentist is trying to havest my blood by hacksawing my gums
Listening to: conversations around me
Tasting: milk
Located: on my living room couch
From the time I was about 8 years old I've kept a diary or "blog" of some sort. I remember my first diary was from Six Flags New Jersey. It was light blue with Tweety Birds face on the front and a lock and key closure. I thought I was just about the coolest 8 year old around. I believe this journal lasted me until I was 11 and in the fifth grade. After filling up that journal I aquired a hard cover journal with sea shells. I used a roll on perfume on the binding of each page to make it smell nice. I also refuse to write in anything but a purple pen that had gold swirls on the out side of it. This journal held some very important mile stones being that it held me for most of middle school.
Next and sort of lastly was my Backstreet Boys jounal. I was 13 when I started writting in it and I used it till just befor freshman year. This journal basicly had the members of my favorite boy band at the time on the cover and each page. Inside of this book held manyof my firsts. Details of my first kiss (and subsequent first make out), first boyfriend, losing my virginity, and first(of many many) broken hearts. While I was keeping this journal I also kept my first online blog at TeenOpenDiary.com. The site worked great at first but after a while the server started breaking down pretty frequently. Then the administrator of the site decided to shut it down all together. I only kept this blog for about a year and stopped shortly after I started high school.
After that I stopped seriously keeping a diary for about 3 years. I had random blogging sights where I would make a journal entry but become bored with it and delete it soon after. I just didnt have time or energy to keep one. I did to start another journal when I was about 18 but i never really kept up with it. Its sad because the last journal was very nice. It had a teal silk covering with pretty sequins and sparkly bits embedded in the pages. I have a myspace and every so often I will post a nonsensicle rant or a goofy email I recieve in the blog feature on it. Its no where near where my other journals and blogs have been.
I guess I was blogging befor it was the cool thing.
Currently I am:
Feeling: sore in my mouth because my dentist is trying to havest my blood by hacksawing my gums
Listening to: conversations around me
Tasting: milk
Located: on my living room couch
From the time I was about 8 years old I've kept a diary or "blog" of some sort. I remember my first diary was from Six Flags New Jersey. It was light blue with Tweety Birds face on the front and a lock and key closure. I thought I was just about the coolest 8 year old around. I believe this journal lasted me until I was 11 and in the fifth grade. After filling up that journal I aquired a hard cover journal with sea shells. I used a roll on perfume on the binding of each page to make it smell nice. I also refuse to write in anything but a purple pen that had gold swirls on the out side of it. This journal held some very important mile stones being that it held me for most of middle school.
Next and sort of lastly was my Backstreet Boys jounal. I was 13 when I started writting in it and I used it till just befor freshman year. This journal basicly had the members of my favorite boy band at the time on the cover and each page. Inside of this book held manyof my firsts. Details of my first kiss (and subsequent first make out), first boyfriend, losing my virginity, and first(of many many) broken hearts. While I was keeping this journal I also kept my first online blog at TeenOpenDiary.com. The site worked great at first but after a while the server started breaking down pretty frequently. Then the administrator of the site decided to shut it down all together. I only kept this blog for about a year and stopped shortly after I started high school.
After that I stopped seriously keeping a diary for about 3 years. I had random blogging sights where I would make a journal entry but become bored with it and delete it soon after. I just didnt have time or energy to keep one. I did to start another journal when I was about 18 but i never really kept up with it. Its sad because the last journal was very nice. It had a teal silk covering with pretty sequins and sparkly bits embedded in the pages. I have a myspace and every so often I will post a nonsensicle rant or a goofy email I recieve in the blog feature on it. Its no where near where my other journals and blogs have been.
I guess I was blogging befor it was the cool thing.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Rubs me the wrong way...
Currently I am:
Feeling: Uncomfortable because of the heart burn I'm suffering through
Listening to: The clickety click of my keyboard
Tasting: Nantucket Nectars Orange Mango
Located: At work
Things that rub me the wrong way:
Public Speaking...
(Yes Professor Kershner you game in class today inspired this blog entry.)
I once read that the second worst fear by Americans is death. This is only beaten by public speaking being number one. This means that people would rather be the body in the box rather then give the eulogy. I have to say that I agree with most Americans. I hate having to "stand up in front of the class and share you paper/story/article". I'm a painfully shy girl by nature. Soft spoken, quiet, self concious and coy could describe me. I prefer to remain inconspicuous as far as my actions go. While the opposite could be said about my appearence and sense of humor. I dont even like walking into class late because I feel like everyone is staring me down. I often lose points because I dont speak loud enough and tend to rush through my presentations. I just dont like being the center of attention.
This is really only true for people I dont know very well and class presentations. When I get comfortable with people I'm much more open and outgoing. I can be loud and silly. I'll burst into song and dance in the middle of the store with out a care. I'm lucky that the few friends I have will always join in with me.
I've come to the conclusion that being as shy as I am is probably why I only have a few friends and have never been able to approach a guy if I have feelings of attraction toward him. One of my New Years Resolutions this year was to be more outgoing and less of an introvert. Wish me luck!!!
Feeling: Uncomfortable because of the heart burn I'm suffering through
Listening to: The clickety click of my keyboard
Tasting: Nantucket Nectars Orange Mango
Located: At work
Things that rub me the wrong way:
Public Speaking...
(Yes Professor Kershner you game in class today inspired this blog entry.)
I once read that the second worst fear by Americans is death. This is only beaten by public speaking being number one. This means that people would rather be the body in the box rather then give the eulogy. I have to say that I agree with most Americans. I hate having to "stand up in front of the class and share you paper/story/article". I'm a painfully shy girl by nature. Soft spoken, quiet, self concious and coy could describe me. I prefer to remain inconspicuous as far as my actions go. While the opposite could be said about my appearence and sense of humor. I dont even like walking into class late because I feel like everyone is staring me down. I often lose points because I dont speak loud enough and tend to rush through my presentations. I just dont like being the center of attention.
This is really only true for people I dont know very well and class presentations. When I get comfortable with people I'm much more open and outgoing. I can be loud and silly. I'll burst into song and dance in the middle of the store with out a care. I'm lucky that the few friends I have will always join in with me.
I've come to the conclusion that being as shy as I am is probably why I only have a few friends and have never been able to approach a guy if I have feelings of attraction toward him. One of my New Years Resolutions this year was to be more outgoing and less of an introvert. Wish me luck!!!
Monday, January 28, 2008
And it begins...
The first entry of my new brand-spankin' new blog.
Currently I am:
Feeling: Tired of the BS
Tasting: nothing
Hearing: No Doubt "Different People"
Located in: My messy bedroom
So I guess this will be the introduction entry. They call me Andrea. Im currently 20 years old living in Massachusetts. Im living at home while I go to school. I live with my parents, two younger sisters (Kelly and Rebecca) and my dog Buddy. I work two jobs to pay for school,gas and books. My main job is as a manicurist/receptionist/sales clerk/office bitch/delivery girl. I also work two mornings a week as an early morning day care provider. Im also a babysitter/chauffer/b****ing partner.When I'm not at work, school, or driving everyone and their cousin everywhere I like to listen to music, snuggle up in bed with a good book, knit, hang out in Weymouth with my cousin and her crazy friends, or veg out on my lap top(will henceforth be know as lappy).
I'm painfully shy in person. It takes me a long time to open up to others. Those close to me know that I'm brutally honest with a delightfully sarcastic sense of humor. I have zero tolerance for lieing when it comes to relationships. I'm honest with you I expect the same in return. I've been burned by liars in the past and I dont need or want to deal with that mess. This is probably a major contributor to my reluctance to let people in.
Thats pretty much it.
Currently I am:
Feeling: Tired of the BS
Tasting: nothing
Hearing: No Doubt "Different People"
Located in: My messy bedroom
So I guess this will be the introduction entry. They call me Andrea. Im currently 20 years old living in Massachusetts. Im living at home while I go to school. I live with my parents, two younger sisters (Kelly and Rebecca) and my dog Buddy. I work two jobs to pay for school,gas and books. My main job is as a manicurist/receptionist/sales clerk/office bitch/delivery girl. I also work two mornings a week as an early morning day care provider. Im also a babysitter/chauffer/b****ing partner.When I'm not at work, school, or driving everyone and their cousin everywhere I like to listen to music, snuggle up in bed with a good book, knit, hang out in Weymouth with my cousin and her crazy friends, or veg out on my lap top(will henceforth be know as lappy).
I'm painfully shy in person. It takes me a long time to open up to others. Those close to me know that I'm brutally honest with a delightfully sarcastic sense of humor. I have zero tolerance for lieing when it comes to relationships. I'm honest with you I expect the same in return. I've been burned by liars in the past and I dont need or want to deal with that mess. This is probably a major contributor to my reluctance to let people in.
Thats pretty much it.
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