"In my head, its only in my head..."

I NEED MY TIN FOIL HAT!!!

Currently:
Feeling: suspicious
Listening: random song on the radio and manicurist working on her client in the other room
Tasting: mint gum
Located: work

I'm beginning to think that some of the guys I used to date got together and decided to plant a chip in my head so they could tell when I decided they were an ass hole or that I was emotionally down and thus get in touch with me again because they know my heart is easily manipulated. I am of course speaking of E right now. However he isn't the only one I'm weary of.

Let me start from the beginning. Yesterday morning(so long ago right?) I had decided E was an ass hole and I had to accept that he was just going to float in and out of my life whenever he saw fit. My sister told me I should download the song "Who let the dogs out?" to my mp3 because she liked it. I told her I wouldn't until I had time to drive past E's house with it blasting becuase he live's in, and I quote(myself)"fancy house full of fancy stuff in a fancy nieghborhood with his fancy car and I just want to disturb the piece because I think he's an ass hole." I then continued on with my day feeling pretty good that I had let go. Fast forward to about 6:30 last night. He starts texting me. The following is the exchange between us:

E:Hey how r u?
Me: Hey Im doin good how r u?(I suck at staying angry I know)
E: Sicki thhnk(think) my whole body is swore(sore)
(I thought he was drunk after this text but...)
Me: That sucks
(I was at dinner trying to figure out what I owed which is while the following texts are all from him)
E: I cant be leave we did that it was fun sorry I got all sad
(I'm wondering at this point if he has me confused for her)
E: It was my fault
E: U got to admit it was fun
E:I mean idk(he does that when he's nervous about something usually when he texts that to me its because he's worried I'm pissed off at him)
Me: It was sorry I was figuring out how much I owe 4 dinner
E: its ok what was ur fav part?
Me: feelin close to someone for a little while even if it was only one way havent felt that since graduation night
E: Aw who were you with that night? I mean fav thing we did
Me: Grad night I was with the guy from CT and I cant pick just one thing *blush* sorry

Warning: the rest of this gets graphic. If you take objection to SEXUALLY EXPLICIT content please skip the rest of this text

E: it was so great when you let me c** in ur mouth felt so good
Me:Idk what to say lol um happy 2 b of service I guess
E: would u do it again?
Me:despite my better judgement i cant say no to u
E: i could c** all inside?
Me: Inside where? Im not trying to start anything i really dont know
E: mouth
Me: Yes
E: would you swallow it?
Me: Havent I done that already? It would b kinda odd to say i dont after i have
E would you like me too c** in there again?
Me: yes
(then he doesnt text back for a while)
Me: hope you feel better soon
E: TY :]
Me: no problem

I honestly think he has a chip in my head.

"The pain will ease, and I can learn..."

The only days that suck are the one's with English class.

Currently:
Feeling: still guilty and used but also a little mushy
Listening:RENT songs in my head
Tasting: nothing
Located: ever sinking bed mattress

Nothing against the class its self or the professor. I seem to do pretty good until English class. E is there ignoring me entirely(some friend you are, asshole!) Great fine be with her, I don't really care anymore but for crap sake if we're going to be friends why not act like one? If your just saying that to "spare my feelings" sorry. Too little, too late for that. I just wish he could feel the pain he caused me. Honestly I wish all the guys out there that treat the girls in their lives like crap could see what its like to feel what we feel.

Those feelings are very slowly dissipating . I was on the phone with T for the last 2 hours and he was just sweet as could be. God I wish he was here now. Then I wouldnt still be hung up on E because there wouldnt be any "Spring break screw up"(thats the name it gets).

Here's to hoping my head clears itself out a little...

No better then befor

I still hurt.

Currtently:
Feeling: pain,wishing i was alone so i could cry
Listening to: cleaning crew
Tasting: nothing
located: work

I thought sleep would make everything dull a little. I feel just as shitty as yesterday. And I cant even just lay in bed and feel miserable. I have to work and of course the cleaning people are here today. I just want to be alone. I wanna scream and cry and throw things.

Despite what happened with E i cant get mad at him. Why cant I get mad at him? If I could get angry with him for what happened I could deal alot better. But I cant. Instead I feel like i got punched in the stomach. My heart feels shattered.

And just to make things more uncomfortable I have to be around my family this weekend. And of course they will try to be all happy and cheerful. I hate this whole situation.

"Empty room like an empty heart..."

I feel so hollow.

Currently:
feeling: sad, empty, sick to my fucking stomach
Listening to: O-town
Tasting: salty tears and probably snot
Located: under the covers

I'm turning into the type of person I hate the most. I want to throw up I'm so disgusted with myself. I swore I would never be one of those girls that fell for a guy that she knew had someone. I should have known this would happen. I'm not aloud to be happy for very long. I went over to Es house today to give him the English assignment and take a nap. I figured there might be a bit of play because of how he was acting kinda flirty. I knew he had a girl but thought maybe he was just lonely and wanted someone warm. And my traitorous heart fell hard and fast for him as we got twisted around eachother beneath the sheets. I left feeling all smiley and floaty thinking someone wanted me only to get a text message that he still loves his girl and he's sorry. I am absolutely crushed right now. I cant stop crying because I thought there might be something. I hate myself for letting my heart lead me. I just want to feel something other then heart ache. I know there's T but he's so far away. I'm so screwed up about this whole thing.

I fucking quit!