"Your askin me will my love grow?"

I want somebody to tell me its gonna get easier. That there really is someone out there for me. That im not gonna end up a lonely spinster.

I just dont get it. Im really fucking nice. I dont judge people, i dont start drama, i mind my own business. I don't stray to far from the "good" path. And when I do I dont go hog wild. Yet with all this good I always attract all this bad. But you look at some of the other girls in town and they are so awful. Running around whoring it up, and just being little bitches. And the good guys are falling all over each other to get to them. I admit i screwed up big time about 3 years ago. Im trying to at least burry that indiscretion and move on. I got a call today from an ex beggin money off me. I can't seem to escape the past.

GRRRRRRRRR

"It's been a while, since I could hold my head up high..."

Soooooooo sleepy

Currently:
Feeling: sleepy and slightly surprised that its been 6 days since my last entry
Listening: my yawns
Tasting: faint remnants of bubble gum mouth wash
Located: the ever sinking matress

Well the semester is nearly over. Only 6 more classes left of sitting next to E and longing after him. Then it'll be summer and I wont see him. I care about him alot. I guess thats why I can't seem to shake him. Despite that fact that he more likely then not doesnt give a flying fuck about me. I really want to move on. I really do. I guess all I can do is hope that he will be happy. Wish him good luck and then just fade. If things dont work out with T I guess I'll just go back to chasing the scummy guys around this town. That seems to be where I always end up. I start out all floaty and happy because a decent guy payed some attention to me then something doesnt work and I'm left to the rats again. I really hope things to pan out with T. We have a lot more in common then most.

We'll just have to see...

"Back in black.."

YA!!!

Currently:
Feeling: loved and happy(a rarity for this blogger)
Listening: T talking to his roomie and him singin
Tasting: extra dark chocolate truffles
Located: STILL sinking mattress

I got my stupid wireless fixed today!!! I FIXED THE INTERNET!!! OK so technically the com cast guy helped me but I was SO there. Now I'm triple tasking. I on the phone with T, typing out a blog entry and on web cam with T. And I'm smiling. That's kinda rare for me. He just asked why my cam was moving so much. Wow and now I'm slipping into that play by play thing. OK stopping now.

I'm not dwelling on E anymore either. But we will see how that pans out on Tuesday. Hoping against hope that I can forget him. Maybe I was dwelling because I couldn't have as much of T as I'm used to. Who knows? And things are looking up as far as going to visit him this summer. Im so excited :)

Here's to brightening up the blog a bit eh?(cough)

"Im crazy, for that laaydaay..."

OK so I'm not crazy for a lady but I seem to have gotten a wee bit fixated on Haiku's...

Currently:
Feeling: level. I'm not really feeling very strongly about anything
Listening: the Redsox/Yankees game
Tasting: milk
Located: living room couch

So Thursday in English class the prof. had us take a short walk in silence around the north and south building. Then we went back inside and had to write a haiku about it. I seem to have developed a mild fixation with them ever since.

Here's the one I did for class:
Bright sun, a cold heart
Jaded from things of the past
Cold air makes her numb

He thought that was the best one in the whole class. Thank god it was anonymous.

Here's one I came up with later:
Teacher says silent walk
He forgets text messaging
Kershner is silly

I had one that was kind dark but I forgot it. Been trying in vain to get it to come back to me. To bad I was driving and couldn't write it down.

I wish class was over but at the same time I don't because then English class will be done and I wont get to see E unless I seek him out. I DO wish it was summer because then I could be with T and I wouldn't give a flying fuck about E. Well I would hope I wouldn't.

"The pain will ease, and I can learn..."

The only days that suck are the one's with English class.

Currently:
Feeling: still guilty and used but also a little mushy
Listening:RENT songs in my head
Tasting: nothing
Located: ever sinking bed mattress

Nothing against the class its self or the professor. I seem to do pretty good until English class. E is there ignoring me entirely(some friend you are, asshole!) Great fine be with her, I don't really care anymore but for crap sake if we're going to be friends why not act like one? If your just saying that to "spare my feelings" sorry. Too little, too late for that. I just wish he could feel the pain he caused me. Honestly I wish all the guys out there that treat the girls in their lives like crap could see what its like to feel what we feel.

Those feelings are very slowly dissipating . I was on the phone with T for the last 2 hours and he was just sweet as could be. God I wish he was here now. Then I wouldnt still be hung up on E because there wouldnt be any "Spring break screw up"(thats the name it gets).

Here's to hoping my head clears itself out a little...

Rubs me the wrong way...(second installment

One on one time with instructors!!!

Currently:
Feeling: jittery from caffeine buzz
Listening: people walking by and music in the distance
Tasting: Starbucks dark chocolate peppermint mocha frappucino
Located: The Connector at school

I don't know why but meeting with instructors makes me very jittery. Or maybe its the coffee drink but still neither one is good when coupled with the other. I know that the instructors are here to help and guide us college kids to be successful. I guess this nervousness is more an extention of my public speaking fear. Accept instead of a bunch of people seeing my fuck up and the chance of a few people forgetting the whole thing its just one person and no buffer zone.

So things got a little scarey last night with T last night. I thought for sure I was going to freak out(like i usually do) and push him away. He told me he doesnt go out much anymore because he feels like the odd man out since all his friend have someone to be with. I felt really guilty and started saying we could end this and he could find someone more geographicly desireable. He said if that was meant to be he would have already found some one. That he wanted to keep trying with me.

I really hope his mom lets me stay with them this summer.

"Love me, love me, say that you love me..."

EMERGENCY!!!! MY BITTER DISPOSITION MAY BE IN JEOPERDY!!!

Currently I am:
Feeling:conflicted
Listening to: my sniffling nose
Tasting:bubble gum mouth wash(im really just a 6 year old in a 20 year olds body)
Located in: bed

Have finally decided to go with abortion for my English research paper. Severly cliche i would expect but alas my brain isnt working.

Yes the bitterness of me and this blog(that no one reads) is in jeoperdy!!! I have met someone who has the potential to become a boyfriend. His name is T and he's very sweet. I actually smile since having met him. This creates quite a conflict inside me. Here I am this bitter 20 year old. I've spent alot of time working on my bitter and cynical attitude. Making it clear to anyone that knows me that if they even so much as hint that i would be happier with a boyfriend they will need to dodge various odjects that have suddenly gained the ability to fly. I've put up walls to protect my heart and feelings, been looking out for myself. I've run away from things that I think will hurt me. All to make sure I dont get hurt. Now I meet some one and im starting to see just the tiniest of cracks in my walls. I put up patches to try and keep it all together. Keeping him at an arms length is hard when his hugs are so nice.

*dreamy sigh*