"Another one bites the dust..."

Le sigh

Currently:
Feeling: bummed out about my car
Listening: TV
Tasting: Chocolate Carnation instant breakfast
Located: living room couch

So I leave work early today to go to the museum with the school. I rush home to get me head phones for the ride up. Soon as I get on the highway my car starts to lurch and the check engine light comes on. I pull over and wait a few mins so see if it'll calm down. I start to drive again and it lurches again. Pull over turn the car off for a few. Drive again and turn the heat up full blast just incase the engine was going to over heat. Notice the squeak from the tensioner is consistent and much more rapid. I look at the rotation gage and its at 4.5-5 rpm and im only driving 55 mph. Its usually down at about 2.5.

Why does my car hate me?

"I shiver when I here your name..."

Now Im scrambling to get my entries done.

Currently:
Feeling: achey
Listening to: the whirring of the dehumidifyer
Tasting: nothing
Located: bed

Still trying to figure out if I'll get to see T this summer. I just wanna feel loved again. He makes me feel special and loved. But my mom is making it increasingly difficult to do that. I cant do anything while im under their roof.

I've been thinking about getting an appartment. I just need a better job to pay for it. And a reliable room mate.

So I made it through english class without much discomfort. Maybe I can finally let go. So long as he doesnt start with the naughty things. We will have to see about that.

Going on in my head right now: Tap on my window, knock on my door, I wanna make you feel beautiful. (lyrics to maroon 5 "she will be loved")

I hope I can get up to the school and go on the trip to Boston Museum of Fine Arts. I havent been in a couple of years and it would be a nice change of scenery. Gotta remember to try and snag a computer for the english final tomorrow as well.

"Im working in the spider webs so leave a message and I'll call you back..."

Ok so in reality Im taking a break from my research paper to blog. Hmmm taking a break from home work to do other homework?

Currently:
Feeling: awake
Listening: No Doubt "Sunday Morning"
Tasting: nap mouth (not as gross as morning mouth but still unpleasant)
Located: bed

HOLY BLOG TAGS BATMAN!!! Yes I went back through all my entries and added tags while at work yesterday. I could have used the 5 hours of quiet to work on my paper but i wasnt inspired to do that.

Have been waaaaaaaay to tire the last 2 nights to do marathon cam2cam with T. I actually miss him. I still dont want to let my heart get fully attached incase things dont work out. Blah Im so worried about getting hurt.

Im hopefully going up to Brighton to visit my cousin in her appartment next weekend. Should be loads of find. Got me a bottle of Jack and some weed to bring to the party. Her and her friends do some insane drugs. I stick to weed, booze and strange men. And I dont even smoke weed or have strange men that often. (que comedy drum). Hoping to get more alcohol befor then.

We'll just have to see.

"To turn around and walk away pretending i dont love yooooou..."

Currently:
Feeling: so sad it hurts
Listening: crappy radio
Tasting: nothing
Located: work

I went to the Weymouth High School Carnival yesterday. It was alot of fun but I was so tired from the combination af benadryl and weed I had a hard time enjoying it. Had to take the benadryl because I accidently ate bread that had sesame seeds on it. Good thing my cousin noticed it when she made herself a sandwich. I didn't tell my grandma because she was sick. The weed made me feel nice and mellow till my mom called and asked me to do all this stuff for my grandma. I was in a panic that I would have to try and cook or something. Thank god grandma wasnt hungry for anything. I ended up falling asleep on the couch. Lost most of the high during the nap. I must have been itchy when I was sleeping because I woke up with my neck all scratched up. The carnival was awesome despite my sleepy/high. Had serious munchies and ended up eating like 10 pounds of chillie cheese fries. Not good because i was throwing up most of them last night and today my hands are almost to swollen to type.

At least Im not hungover

"I'll pretend that I'm kissin' the lips I been missin'..."

And I'll send all my lovin' to yooooooou.

Currently:
Feeling: weirded out and hungry
Listening: the campus radio station playing a cool song i want to know the name and artist of
Tasting: nothing
Located: The Connector

I'm currently obsessed with the movie Across the Universe. It set back in the 60's and has a trippy Beatles music soundtrack. I downloaded all 30 of the songs to my mp3 the other night. I still haven't figured out how I'm going to get out to see T this summer. I'm to the point right now that I'm just gonna go whether I have permission to go or not. I'll have to plan out where to store my car and a lot of my clothes in case i get my ass tossed out. I know i can keep my car with my friend Brigid and maybe E wont have pissed me off so much that I can store some of my clothes with him. My manager Diane would probably let me keep some stuff with her.

I swear my ex K has a twin. I keep seeing this guy around campus that looks almost exactly like him. The only difference is campus guy has lighter hair. Everything else is the same. Same long hair, same beard-a-ma-jig, same skinny little ass.

I really don't feel like going to work today. I'd rather stay on campus and get some decent research done for my English paper revision. I'm still debating on my major as well. Told Diane I might be switching and she didn't seem to cool with it.

I really want it to be summer break soon.

"Im addicted to you..."

I am SO caffeine's bitch.

Currently:
Feeling: tired despite going to bed at 11 instead of the ungodly hour of 3 or 4
Listening to: John Mayor "Daughters" on my mp3
Tasting: nothing
Located: The Connector

My inner insomniac decided it was going to take a night off last night. And even with the extra hour of sleep I'm still tired. I wonder if the birth control could have anything to do with it. It's more then likely from my period last week. I'm eating a lot better I noticed since i started taking the birth control. Now if only i could get my ass motivated enough to exercise. I've been walking my dog most nights for about a half hour. Its not that we go very far its that he's a beagle. Hunting dog to the core. He has to sniff everything and pee on every single bush and tree and telephone pole. Oddly enough he refuses to pee on the few fire hydrants in the neighborhood.

I'm still torn on whether I'm changing majors or not. Last week I was leaning heavy on early childhood development. But I also considered art as well. I'm not sure I'm digging the early childcare so much. I've been itching to get some sketching done the last month. I've been thinking about art being my major a lot the last few days.

I hate being so indecisive.

"Would you want me when Im not myself..."

Currently:
Feeling: negative. i seriously cant pick one suck emotion to describe how i feel right now. I'm a combination of them all
Listening: nothing
Tasting: nothing
Located: recently flipped over mattress(hey i got something done!)

I cant figure anything out anymore. My mom may not let me take a vacation this summer to visit friends in Illinois. I'm not sure if I want to stick with my current major. I'm contemplating possibly moving out and going away for school. I don't know what I want anymore. My head is all mixed up.

I want more freedom. My mom is very controlling lately. I wanted to wear a skirt last week and the night before I was looking for black nylons and she got very suspicious and weird about it. I know she still doesn't trust me after what happened 3 years ago. I've been relatively decent as far as behavior goes since then but she still cant let go. I know she'd flip if she found out i put myself on birth control. I feel restricted and smothered.

AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHRRRRRRRRRGGGGGG

"It's been a while, since I could hold my head up high..."

Soooooooo sleepy

Currently:
Feeling: sleepy and slightly surprised that its been 6 days since my last entry
Listening: my yawns
Tasting: faint remnants of bubble gum mouth wash
Located: the ever sinking matress

Well the semester is nearly over. Only 6 more classes left of sitting next to E and longing after him. Then it'll be summer and I wont see him. I care about him alot. I guess thats why I can't seem to shake him. Despite that fact that he more likely then not doesnt give a flying fuck about me. I really want to move on. I really do. I guess all I can do is hope that he will be happy. Wish him good luck and then just fade. If things dont work out with T I guess I'll just go back to chasing the scummy guys around this town. That seems to be where I always end up. I start out all floaty and happy because a decent guy payed some attention to me then something doesnt work and I'm left to the rats again. I really hope things to pan out with T. We have a lot more in common then most.

We'll just have to see...

(insert music lyric turned blog entry title here)

Just felt like putting in a fluff entry

Currently:
Feeling: confident that I can move past E
Listening: Lenny Kravits "As long as I'm living" stuck in my head
Tasting: bubble gum mouth wash
Located: next to indent in sinking mattress

I think I'm finally ready to let it go. I think I can handle sitting next to E in English tomorrow and not feeling either very angry or very dirty. I need to just let go. Wish him well and be done. I have T to look forward to this summer. That doesn't mean I'm not gonna make it hurt when E looks at me. I used to have an evil plan to make it visually difficult for him to behave. When I thought he might be interested the plan shifted gears from that to giving him the push to dump the hemorrhoid he's with. Now the plan has once again shifted and focus is on making damn sure he doesn't forget the little he did have with me and making sure he sees what he missed. After I'm satisfied that I have either ruined his head or I get bored then I'll stop. I wish this mind could be used for good over evil sometimes.

At least T thinks my evil thoughts are hot.

"Back in black.."

YA!!!

Currently:
Feeling: loved and happy(a rarity for this blogger)
Listening: T talking to his roomie and him singin
Tasting: extra dark chocolate truffles
Located: STILL sinking mattress

I got my stupid wireless fixed today!!! I FIXED THE INTERNET!!! OK so technically the com cast guy helped me but I was SO there. Now I'm triple tasking. I on the phone with T, typing out a blog entry and on web cam with T. And I'm smiling. That's kinda rare for me. He just asked why my cam was moving so much. Wow and now I'm slipping into that play by play thing. OK stopping now.

I'm not dwelling on E anymore either. But we will see how that pans out on Tuesday. Hoping against hope that I can forget him. Maybe I was dwelling because I couldn't have as much of T as I'm used to. Who knows? And things are looking up as far as going to visit him this summer. Im so excited :)

Here's to brightening up the blog a bit eh?(cough)

"I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house..."

Dang weather being all loud and waking me up before the stupid sun

Currently:
Feeling: still ever sad about the whole E thing, tired from the hail, and creeped out by the call i just got on the work phone
Listening: nothing
Tasting: nothing
Located: work

Why cant they mass produce the memory eraser thing from MIB? But make it so only certain memories could be erased. I really do want to get off this whole E thing. I just cant let it go. I'm going against everything I swore I never do but I don't care. I honestly think if he offered another "nap" I wouldn't be able to stop myself. I want to say no. I wanna tell him to fuck off, that I'm done. I just don't think I would mean it. At the same time I think if I could just go be with T I wouldn't really care what E does.

The hail on the windows this morning woke me up. Then I couldn't get back to sleep till it was time for me to wake up anyway. I ended up getting into work late and getting chewed out from the boss. Then just before I started this entry I get a call at the office phone of some creep asking if they could kiss my feet. Now I'm kinda scared. I just hope they don't know where this place is. Don't want them accosting me when I go to leave.

Other then that not much has been going on. My gay friend Steve had a birthday party yesterday. Very low key. Subs and sundae's. I got him cigarettes and a card because I'm a broke-ass college girl.

Always with the weirdo's eh?

"Im crazy, for that laaydaay..."

OK so I'm not crazy for a lady but I seem to have gotten a wee bit fixated on Haiku's...

Currently:
Feeling: level. I'm not really feeling very strongly about anything
Listening: the Redsox/Yankees game
Tasting: milk
Located: living room couch

So Thursday in English class the prof. had us take a short walk in silence around the north and south building. Then we went back inside and had to write a haiku about it. I seem to have developed a mild fixation with them ever since.

Here's the one I did for class:
Bright sun, a cold heart
Jaded from things of the past
Cold air makes her numb

He thought that was the best one in the whole class. Thank god it was anonymous.

Here's one I came up with later:
Teacher says silent walk
He forgets text messaging
Kershner is silly

I had one that was kind dark but I forgot it. Been trying in vain to get it to come back to me. To bad I was driving and couldn't write it down.

I wish class was over but at the same time I don't because then English class will be done and I wont get to see E unless I seek him out. I DO wish it was summer because then I could be with T and I wouldn't give a flying fuck about E. Well I would hope I wouldn't.

"You cant always get what you waaaant..."

I think life hates me.

Currently:
Feeling: sooooooooooo sad it hurts
Listening: people shuffle around, doors opening and closing
Tasting: nothing
Located: The Connector

I dont think Im going to get to see T this summer like I planned. His mom said no last night and he's pissed about it. His sisters boyfriend LIVED with them and all we want is a week. I guess she wants to get the house fixed up using HIS money. I dont know what to do. He said he might be able to get his friend to let me crash at his apt for a week. I might just have to work my ass off to save enough for a cheap hotel. Things just dont look very promising right now. Why do all the nice guys have to be so far away??? I cant even think about the whole situation because it makes me sad.

E can take his whole "Think positive" Attitude and shove it!!! Sure as hell not working for me right now.

Technology hates me

Its oh so true.

Currently:
Feeling: frustrated
Listening to: Celebrity Fit Club Boot Camp
Tasting: milk
Located: living room couch

The past 3 or so days I havent been able to connect to the internet on my lappy. The last person to access the web was my sister Kelly so I'm thinking she fucked it up. She refuses to admit to anything. I was on the phone yesterday with dell for an hour+. Tried doing a system restore and nothing. They tried fixing it via remote access and nothing. They told me there's nothing wrong with the laptop and nothing wrong with my wireless router. They said it had to have something to do with the chanels or something. I just want my lap top to work. This couldn't have happened at a worse time. I have papers to write and i need the internet to get to my information.

Thursday was my physical exam for the birth control. God was that ever awkward. My HIV test came back negative(WOOHOO!!!). I did have some bacterial vaginosis thing. The doctor said it didnt look like an STD. She put me on an antibiotic to hopefully clear it up. I'll have all my test results back in 3 weeks max. Im just hoping its not something serious. The counciler told me it could just be from stress. I was pretty freaked out earlier in the week.

Hoping the lap top works again.

A dog can only be kicked when it down so many times...

...before it stops fighting.



Currently:

Feeling: drained and strung out

Listening: the swirling of the pedicure throne in the other room

Tasting: buttery pop corn and Sprite

Located: work(what a surprise)



When it rains it fucking pours.



I planned on having my ex fix the tensioner in my van last night. I pick him up to go to Auto Zone to get the part. We stop off at the ATM so I can take cash out so we can buy some booze after. My plan was to use the cash for the alcohol and my card for the part. We get to Auto Zone and I can't find my card. I tear my purse and my car apart trying to find it. I go back to the bank looking all over the place and still cant find it. I am freaking the hell out at this point. We go back and use the cash to get the part. At this point my ex is trying to passively change my mind saying i can wait another day. I will not have any of this and tell him I'm sick of the squealing I want it to stop. We buy the part and go back to his house to fix it. I go inside to chill out with his mom and try to get a hold of the bank to put a stop on my card. His friend comes in and says he didn't need to replace the tensioner just needed to loosen the belt. We rush back to the store to return the part and get my money back.



While we are driving the coolant light turns on and the temperature gage is reading hot. We blast the heat to try and cool the engine. We return the part and go back to his house to put water in the radiator(or whatever it is). I am absolutely livid. From my point of view it seems like everything is fucking up since he messed with the part. I try to drive home and the steering wheel is almost rock solid. Barely moving. The van dies twice on the way home and a third and final time in front of my house. Turns out the dip shit loosened the belt to much and it came off the tensioner. This is kind of a big deal considering it...oh i don't know RUNS THE WHOLE ENGINE!!!



This morning was another fun adventure bringing me closer to my inevitable nervous break down. I realize I cant find my key to get into work. Now I'm panicing because I think I left it in my car door last night when i went to get my stuff out(its on the same ring as my car key). My boss would kill me