I NEED MY TIN FOIL HAT!!!
Currently:
Feeling: suspicious
Listening: random song on the radio and manicurist working on her client in the other room
Tasting: mint gum
Located: work
I'm beginning to think that some of the guys I used to date got together and decided to plant a chip in my head so they could tell when I decided they were an ass hole or that I was emotionally down and thus get in touch with me again because they know my heart is easily manipulated. I am of course speaking of E right now. However he isn't the only one I'm weary of.
Let me start from the beginning. Yesterday morning(so long ago right?) I had decided E was an ass hole and I had to accept that he was just going to float in and out of my life whenever he saw fit. My sister told me I should download the song "Who let the dogs out?" to my mp3 because she liked it. I told her I wouldn't until I had time to drive past E's house with it blasting becuase he live's in, and I quote(myself)"fancy house full of fancy stuff in a fancy nieghborhood with his fancy car and I just want to disturb the piece because I think he's an ass hole." I then continued on with my day feeling pretty good that I had let go. Fast forward to about 6:30 last night. He starts texting me. The following is the exchange between us:
E:Hey how r u?
Me: Hey Im doin good how r u?(I suck at staying angry I know)
E: Sicki thhnk(think) my whole body is swore(sore)
(I thought he was drunk after this text but...)
Me: That sucks
(I was at dinner trying to figure out what I owed which is while the following texts are all from him)
E: I cant be leave we did that it was fun sorry I got all sad
(I'm wondering at this point if he has me confused for her)
E: It was my fault
E: U got to admit it was fun
E:I mean idk(he does that when he's nervous about something usually when he texts that to me its because he's worried I'm pissed off at him)
Me: It was sorry I was figuring out how much I owe 4 dinner
E: its ok what was ur fav part?
Me: feelin close to someone for a little while even if it was only one way havent felt that since graduation night
E: Aw who were you with that night? I mean fav thing we did
Me: Grad night I was with the guy from CT and I cant pick just one thing *blush* sorry
Warning: the rest of this gets graphic. If you take objection to SEXUALLY EXPLICIT content please skip the rest of this text
E: it was so great when you let me c** in ur mouth felt so good
Me:Idk what to say lol um happy 2 b of service I guess
E: would u do it again?
Me:despite my better judgement i cant say no to u
E: i could c** all inside?
Me: Inside where? Im not trying to start anything i really dont know
E: mouth
Me: Yes
E: would you swallow it?
Me: Havent I done that already? It would b kinda odd to say i dont after i have
E would you like me too c** in there again?
Me: yes
(then he doesnt text back for a while)
Me: hope you feel better soon
E: TY :]
Me: no problem
I honestly think he has a chip in my head.
Monday, March 31, 2008
Sunday, March 30, 2008
"The pain will ease, and I can learn..."
The only days that suck are the one's with English class.
Currently:
Feeling: still guilty and used but also a little mushy
Listening:RENT songs in my head
Tasting: nothing
Located: ever sinking bed mattress
Nothing against the class its self or the professor. I seem to do pretty good until English class. E is there ignoring me entirely(some friend you are, asshole!) Great fine be with her, I don't really care anymore but for crap sake if we're going to be friends why not act like one? If your just saying that to "spare my feelings" sorry. Too little, too late for that. I just wish he could feel the pain he caused me. Honestly I wish all the guys out there that treat the girls in their lives like crap could see what its like to feel what we feel.
Those feelings are very slowly dissipating . I was on the phone with T for the last 2 hours and he was just sweet as could be. God I wish he was here now. Then I wouldnt still be hung up on E because there wouldnt be any "Spring break screw up"(thats the name it gets).
Here's to hoping my head clears itself out a little...
Currently:
Feeling: still guilty and used but also a little mushy
Listening:RENT songs in my head
Tasting: nothing
Located: ever sinking bed mattress
Nothing against the class its self or the professor. I seem to do pretty good until English class. E is there ignoring me entirely(some friend you are, asshole!) Great fine be with her, I don't really care anymore but for crap sake if we're going to be friends why not act like one? If your just saying that to "spare my feelings" sorry. Too little, too late for that. I just wish he could feel the pain he caused me. Honestly I wish all the guys out there that treat the girls in their lives like crap could see what its like to feel what we feel.
Those feelings are very slowly dissipating . I was on the phone with T for the last 2 hours and he was just sweet as could be. God I wish he was here now. Then I wouldnt still be hung up on E because there wouldnt be any "Spring break screw up"(thats the name it gets).
Here's to hoping my head clears itself out a little...
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Rubs me the wrong way...(second installment
One on one time with instructors!!!
Currently:
Feeling: jittery from caffeine buzz
Listening: people walking by and music in the distance
Tasting: Starbucks dark chocolate peppermint mocha frappucino
Located: The Connector at school
I don't know why but meeting with instructors makes me very jittery. Or maybe its the coffee drink but still neither one is good when coupled with the other. I know that the instructors are here to help and guide us college kids to be successful. I guess this nervousness is more an extention of my public speaking fear. Accept instead of a bunch of people seeing my fuck up and the chance of a few people forgetting the whole thing its just one person and no buffer zone.
So things got a little scarey last night with T last night. I thought for sure I was going to freak out(like i usually do) and push him away. He told me he doesnt go out much anymore because he feels like the odd man out since all his friend have someone to be with. I felt really guilty and started saying we could end this and he could find someone more geographicly desireable. He said if that was meant to be he would have already found some one. That he wanted to keep trying with me.
I really hope his mom lets me stay with them this summer.
Currently:
Feeling: jittery from caffeine buzz
Listening: people walking by and music in the distance
Tasting: Starbucks dark chocolate peppermint mocha frappucino
Located: The Connector at school
I don't know why but meeting with instructors makes me very jittery. Or maybe its the coffee drink but still neither one is good when coupled with the other. I know that the instructors are here to help and guide us college kids to be successful. I guess this nervousness is more an extention of my public speaking fear. Accept instead of a bunch of people seeing my fuck up and the chance of a few people forgetting the whole thing its just one person and no buffer zone.
So things got a little scarey last night with T last night. I thought for sure I was going to freak out(like i usually do) and push him away. He told me he doesnt go out much anymore because he feels like the odd man out since all his friend have someone to be with. I felt really guilty and started saying we could end this and he could find someone more geographicly desireable. He said if that was meant to be he would have already found some one. That he wanted to keep trying with me.
I really hope his mom lets me stay with them this summer.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
"I can see for miles and miles..."
I scare my self sometimes.
Currently:
Feeling: sleepy
Listening: nothing
Tasting: (once again) bubble gum mouth wash
Located: STILL sinking mattress
I seriously believe if you think of something hard enough you can will it to happen. Yesterday at work I was talking about my friend Steven still being missing and not even five minutes later his mom calls to check in see if I've heard from him. Then later on as I'm leaving work and wondering if he's OK he calls and tells me he's coming home and wants to hang out(don't get to excited he's as gay as they come). I go to his place and we make a cigarette run then come back and make dinner. Grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup SO tasty. Turns out he ended up in the hospital from not eating much for almost a week. I guess he broke it off with his now ex-fiance Justin at the hospital and decided to go home.
I'm feeling better about the E incident. Despite my better judgment I still have feelings. I had a few realizations about that afternoon. That was the first time I wasn't freaking out about my body. I didn't care about my stretchmarks or lumpy thighs. The fact that I hadn't shaved my legs in a week didn't come into my mind(i did have knee high socks on though). I also realized upon seeing where he lived and what kind of house he had that I would never fit in if I were to meet the rest of his family. He lives in a very nice 'hood in a very nice house full of very nice things. I live in a house half the size with twice as many people in it in a crappy 'hood. His room is the polar opposite of mine. He's very neat and tidy, everything is organized and clean. My room in chaotic. Clothes and shoes and junk everywhere. Walls painted teal with purple and pink stripes, squiggles, and stars. He's got smart guy stuff on his book shelves. Computer program manuals and the like. I still cant find my bookshelves.
I guess all I can do is wish him luck...*sigh*
Currently:
Feeling: sleepy
Listening: nothing
Tasting: (once again) bubble gum mouth wash
Located: STILL sinking mattress
I seriously believe if you think of something hard enough you can will it to happen. Yesterday at work I was talking about my friend Steven still being missing and not even five minutes later his mom calls to check in see if I've heard from him. Then later on as I'm leaving work and wondering if he's OK he calls and tells me he's coming home and wants to hang out(don't get to excited he's as gay as they come). I go to his place and we make a cigarette run then come back and make dinner. Grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup SO tasty. Turns out he ended up in the hospital from not eating much for almost a week. I guess he broke it off with his now ex-fiance Justin at the hospital and decided to go home.
I'm feeling better about the E incident. Despite my better judgment I still have feelings. I had a few realizations about that afternoon. That was the first time I wasn't freaking out about my body. I didn't care about my stretchmarks or lumpy thighs. The fact that I hadn't shaved my legs in a week didn't come into my mind(i did have knee high socks on though). I also realized upon seeing where he lived and what kind of house he had that I would never fit in if I were to meet the rest of his family. He lives in a very nice 'hood in a very nice house full of very nice things. I live in a house half the size with twice as many people in it in a crappy 'hood. His room is the polar opposite of mine. He's very neat and tidy, everything is organized and clean. My room in chaotic. Clothes and shoes and junk everywhere. Walls painted teal with purple and pink stripes, squiggles, and stars. He's got smart guy stuff on his book shelves. Computer program manuals and the like. I still cant find my bookshelves.
I guess all I can do is wish him luck...*sigh*
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Not good
And I ask myself "how the hell do I find these people?"
Currently:
Feeling: both worried and a little upset
Listening to: Deane Carter "Did I shave my legs for this?"
Tasing: onions from my hot dog at lunch
Located: work
My friend Steven ran away from home around March 10. I was in contact with him until about a week and a half ago. Then the phone calls stopped. I sent him a light hearted myspace message a few days ago. I know he read it but he didnt reply. I thought this was odd but kind of let it go. I sent a happy easter text to his fiance/boyfriend/husband/whatever and didnt ger a reply. This morning stevens mom calls me wondering if if i had heard from him. I tell her i havent heard from him and she tells me that the last time he ran off it was with Justin. Apparently when he was with Justin, he wouldn't let steven use the phone and when steven was trying to talk to his mom he would hit him. I tend to believe her because of the lack of communication with steven.
I think E is done talking to me for now. He barely aknowledged me today at school today. I wish I didnt like him like I do. Then I could let the whole thing go. Despite him being attached I still want him. I hate that I'm one of those girls who (secretely) longs for the one she can't have.
If only i could get rid of a few unpleasant feelings...
Currently:
Feeling: both worried and a little upset
Listening to: Deane Carter "Did I shave my legs for this?"
Tasing: onions from my hot dog at lunch
Located: work
My friend Steven ran away from home around March 10. I was in contact with him until about a week and a half ago. Then the phone calls stopped. I sent him a light hearted myspace message a few days ago. I know he read it but he didnt reply. I thought this was odd but kind of let it go. I sent a happy easter text to his fiance/boyfriend/husband/whatever and didnt ger a reply. This morning stevens mom calls me wondering if if i had heard from him. I tell her i havent heard from him and she tells me that the last time he ran off it was with Justin. Apparently when he was with Justin, he wouldn't let steven use the phone and when steven was trying to talk to his mom he would hit him. I tend to believe her because of the lack of communication with steven.
I think E is done talking to me for now. He barely aknowledged me today at school today. I wish I didnt like him like I do. Then I could let the whole thing go. Despite him being attached I still want him. I hate that I'm one of those girls who (secretely) longs for the one she can't have.
If only i could get rid of a few unpleasant feelings...
Sunday, March 23, 2008
Happy Easter
The rabbit cometh and he leaves me candy!
Currently I am:
Feeling: less guilty about last Thursdays indiscretions and smiley over T
Listening to: The Matrix 2
Tasting: bubble gum mouthwash
located: living room couch(oh shit this blog is on the move)
Not a super eventful weekend. I worked the nursery at my church for all 3 of their Easter weekend services. Saturday night we had i think 2 babies in the infant nursery and no toddlers. Today we had probably 20 toddlers total between the 2 morning services. The room for 1st graders upstairs had 20 kids in the last service. And on top of all the little ones there wasn't enough seating in the auditorium. The pastor took chairs from all over the church so people could sit. All the chairs from the ministry center as well a the ministry apartment where brought in. They even brought in the piano bench from the back room. I was wondering if they would move on to taking the little chairs from the toddler nursery.
After all of that craze I went up to my grandmothers house for Easter dinner. Of course we got there late and all the deviled eggs where gone!!!It was a rather uneventful visit. My cousin, her boyfriend, her friend, and I went outside to blow bubbles and smoke. I only had 2 drags off a cigarette. We saw 3 huge rats running around the back yard and my aunt swore they where just chipmunks. They where sooo rats. It got cold so we went back inside and just hung out. I'm hopefully going to get up to Brighton to see my cousins new apartment next weekend.
I took the very first pill in my pack of birth control pills at 1:30. Tomorrow I'm gonna take it closer to 12 since I can be sure I'm doing the same thing around that time each day: eating lunch.
That's about it for the weekend.
Currently I am:
Feeling: less guilty about last Thursdays indiscretions and smiley over T
Listening to: The Matrix 2
Tasting: bubble gum mouthwash
located: living room couch(oh shit this blog is on the move)
Not a super eventful weekend. I worked the nursery at my church for all 3 of their Easter weekend services. Saturday night we had i think 2 babies in the infant nursery and no toddlers. Today we had probably 20 toddlers total between the 2 morning services. The room for 1st graders upstairs had 20 kids in the last service. And on top of all the little ones there wasn't enough seating in the auditorium. The pastor took chairs from all over the church so people could sit. All the chairs from the ministry center as well a the ministry apartment where brought in. They even brought in the piano bench from the back room. I was wondering if they would move on to taking the little chairs from the toddler nursery.
After all of that craze I went up to my grandmothers house for Easter dinner. Of course we got there late and all the deviled eggs where gone!!!It was a rather uneventful visit. My cousin, her boyfriend, her friend, and I went outside to blow bubbles and smoke. I only had 2 drags off a cigarette. We saw 3 huge rats running around the back yard and my aunt swore they where just chipmunks. They where sooo rats. It got cold so we went back inside and just hung out. I'm hopefully going to get up to Brighton to see my cousins new apartment next weekend.
I took the very first pill in my pack of birth control pills at 1:30. Tomorrow I'm gonna take it closer to 12 since I can be sure I'm doing the same thing around that time each day: eating lunch.
That's about it for the weekend.
Friday, March 21, 2008
No better then befor
I still hurt.
Currtently:
Feeling: pain,wishing i was alone so i could cry
Listening to: cleaning crew
Tasting: nothing
located: work
I thought sleep would make everything dull a little. I feel just as shitty as yesterday. And I cant even just lay in bed and feel miserable. I have to work and of course the cleaning people are here today. I just want to be alone. I wanna scream and cry and throw things.
Despite what happened with E i cant get mad at him. Why cant I get mad at him? If I could get angry with him for what happened I could deal alot better. But I cant. Instead I feel like i got punched in the stomach. My heart feels shattered.
And just to make things more uncomfortable I have to be around my family this weekend. And of course they will try to be all happy and cheerful. I hate this whole situation.
Currtently:
Feeling: pain,wishing i was alone so i could cry
Listening to: cleaning crew
Tasting: nothing
located: work
I thought sleep would make everything dull a little. I feel just as shitty as yesterday. And I cant even just lay in bed and feel miserable. I have to work and of course the cleaning people are here today. I just want to be alone. I wanna scream and cry and throw things.
Despite what happened with E i cant get mad at him. Why cant I get mad at him? If I could get angry with him for what happened I could deal alot better. But I cant. Instead I feel like i got punched in the stomach. My heart feels shattered.
And just to make things more uncomfortable I have to be around my family this weekend. And of course they will try to be all happy and cheerful. I hate this whole situation.
Thursday, March 20, 2008
"Empty room like an empty heart..."
I feel so hollow.
Currently:
feeling: sad, empty, sick to my fucking stomach
Listening to: O-town
Tasting: salty tears and probably snot
Located: under the covers
I'm turning into the type of person I hate the most. I want to throw up I'm so disgusted with myself. I swore I would never be one of those girls that fell for a guy that she knew had someone. I should have known this would happen. I'm not aloud to be happy for very long. I went over to Es house today to give him the English assignment and take a nap. I figured there might be a bit of play because of how he was acting kinda flirty. I knew he had a girl but thought maybe he was just lonely and wanted someone warm. And my traitorous heart fell hard and fast for him as we got twisted around eachother beneath the sheets. I left feeling all smiley and floaty thinking someone wanted me only to get a text message that he still loves his girl and he's sorry. I am absolutely crushed right now. I cant stop crying because I thought there might be something. I hate myself for letting my heart lead me. I just want to feel something other then heart ache. I know there's T but he's so far away. I'm so screwed up about this whole thing.
I fucking quit!
Currently:
feeling: sad, empty, sick to my fucking stomach
Listening to: O-town
Tasting: salty tears and probably snot
Located: under the covers
I'm turning into the type of person I hate the most. I want to throw up I'm so disgusted with myself. I swore I would never be one of those girls that fell for a guy that she knew had someone. I should have known this would happen. I'm not aloud to be happy for very long. I went over to Es house today to give him the English assignment and take a nap. I figured there might be a bit of play because of how he was acting kinda flirty. I knew he had a girl but thought maybe he was just lonely and wanted someone warm. And my traitorous heart fell hard and fast for him as we got twisted around eachother beneath the sheets. I left feeling all smiley and floaty thinking someone wanted me only to get a text message that he still loves his girl and he's sorry. I am absolutely crushed right now. I cant stop crying because I thought there might be something. I hate myself for letting my heart lead me. I just want to feel something other then heart ache. I know there's T but he's so far away. I'm so screwed up about this whole thing.
I fucking quit!
Saturday, March 15, 2008
Just flippin' great
Life hates me.
Currently:
Feeling: aggravated
listening to: nothing
tasting: flat coke
located: STILL sinking mattress
So after getting my mom to let me go to IL this summer to see my friends she decides today she would rather me go with her to see my dad while he's at accounting school in Mississippi. She hasn't said specifically that she doesn't want me going but that she would rather the other way. I know her and this is only the beginning of he saying no all together. And I cant get all pissed off at her about it because I was kind of an ass to her today when we were shopping. I didn't mean to be a pain I was just very tired and my ankles hurt. I gotta make this up to her some how.
I miss T. I haven't heard from him in a few days and I'm getting worried. I thought he was into me but maybe I was wrong. E has been confiding in me the last few days about him and his lady. He worries the hell out of me. Despite everything that has transpired between us I don't hate the fact that he's still living. I just wish I could keep my feelings in check. I haven't revealed anything to him but inside my head its a roller coaster.
I guess I can count the fact that I havent started smoking again as something good.
Currently:
Feeling: aggravated
listening to: nothing
tasting: flat coke
located: STILL sinking mattress
So after getting my mom to let me go to IL this summer to see my friends she decides today she would rather me go with her to see my dad while he's at accounting school in Mississippi. She hasn't said specifically that she doesn't want me going but that she would rather the other way. I know her and this is only the beginning of he saying no all together. And I cant get all pissed off at her about it because I was kind of an ass to her today when we were shopping. I didn't mean to be a pain I was just very tired and my ankles hurt. I gotta make this up to her some how.
I miss T. I haven't heard from him in a few days and I'm getting worried. I thought he was into me but maybe I was wrong. E has been confiding in me the last few days about him and his lady. He worries the hell out of me. Despite everything that has transpired between us I don't hate the fact that he's still living. I just wish I could keep my feelings in check. I haven't revealed anything to him but inside my head its a roller coaster.
I guess I can count the fact that I havent started smoking again as something good.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Medical history done, Physical Exam to go
Currently I am:
Feeling: relaxed and clean from my shower
Listening to: the whirring of the dehumidifier and the clickety click of my keyboard
Tasting: bubble gum mouth wash
Located: STILL sinking mattress(maybe I'll have flipped it by the end of the semester)
So I went to the Family Planing place in Wareham today for my medical history appointment. Wow is all I can say. They ask about EVERYTHING!!! The lady, Donna, told me about how some people tell her they have anal sex with out lube or a condom. That's just nasty. Next week I'm supposed to go for my physical exam and then I'll get my pills. Thank god they work on a sliding scale based on income. Turns out I'll be able to get my exam, STD testing, birth control, and things like that all for about $35 dollars. They told me if I had gone with insurance it would cost more because Blue Cross Blue Shield doesn't cover it.
FREE CONDOMS!!!
Yes they gave me a bag of 25 different condoms. One of them is called Night Light and I can only imagine Star Wars in my head. Chocolate, strawberry, and vanilla. I have the Neapolitan ice cream of condoms here. The rest aren't all that interesting.
Now lets hope I dont die of embarrasment during the pelvic exam.
Feeling: relaxed and clean from my shower
Listening to: the whirring of the dehumidifier and the clickety click of my keyboard
Tasting: bubble gum mouth wash
Located: STILL sinking mattress(maybe I'll have flipped it by the end of the semester)
So I went to the Family Planing place in Wareham today for my medical history appointment. Wow is all I can say. They ask about EVERYTHING!!! The lady, Donna, told me about how some people tell her they have anal sex with out lube or a condom. That's just nasty. Next week I'm supposed to go for my physical exam and then I'll get my pills. Thank god they work on a sliding scale based on income. Turns out I'll be able to get my exam, STD testing, birth control, and things like that all for about $35 dollars. They told me if I had gone with insurance it would cost more because Blue Cross Blue Shield doesn't cover it.
FREE CONDOMS!!!
Yes they gave me a bag of 25 different condoms. One of them is called Night Light and I can only imagine Star Wars in my head. Chocolate, strawberry, and vanilla. I have the Neapolitan ice cream of condoms here. The rest aren't all that interesting.
Now lets hope I dont die of embarrasment during the pelvic exam.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Quittin' smokin'(a progress report)
Currently:
Feeling: relaxed
Tasting: Tomato soup prom Panera Bread
Listening to: 3 doors down "Here without you"
Located: work once again
I had my last ciggarret last thursday. I only had one drag on friday and nothing since then. I've been in a much nicer disposition. Other people have noticed. E said I look much better. And dont tell anyone but I may sort of, kind of like being a not sad person. Its funny because when I did smoke I used to think it relaxed me. Thus making me easier to be around. Funny how your veiws shift when you come out of the smoke cloud.
I was surprised when I got out of work last night and it was still day light out. I think part of my good mood could be attributed to the change in weather. Soon I'll be able to wear lighter clothing(as in style, not color). If my legs are in decent shape by then I might even wear a skirt(GASP!). If they still suck then I'll just wear funky stockings so i can smooth out the lumps and bumps.
Im excited for spring break because I can finally get all my appointments done. Dentist, doctor, gynocologist, hair dresser and such have been seriously neglected.
Feeling: relaxed
Tasting: Tomato soup prom Panera Bread
Listening to: 3 doors down "Here without you"
Located: work once again
I had my last ciggarret last thursday. I only had one drag on friday and nothing since then. I've been in a much nicer disposition. Other people have noticed. E said I look much better. And dont tell anyone but I may sort of, kind of like being a not sad person. Its funny because when I did smoke I used to think it relaxed me. Thus making me easier to be around. Funny how your veiws shift when you come out of the smoke cloud.
I was surprised when I got out of work last night and it was still day light out. I think part of my good mood could be attributed to the change in weather. Soon I'll be able to wear lighter clothing(as in style, not color). If my legs are in decent shape by then I might even wear a skirt(GASP!). If they still suck then I'll just wear funky stockings so i can smooth out the lumps and bumps.
Im excited for spring break because I can finally get all my appointments done. Dentist, doctor, gynocologist, hair dresser and such have been seriously neglected.
Monday, March 10, 2008
I need new friends
I'm getting very tired of the drama with my two gay friends. GUYS ARE SUPPOSED TO BE DRAMA FREE DAMN IT!!!
Currently I am:
Feeling: drained and used
Tasting: Mountain Dew
Listening to: Alicia Key's "Falling"
Located: work as always
So I'm supposed to be going to Province town this Saturday with my friend Steven and his fiance Justin. Every time I hang out with them I'm the only girl. I was getting kinda tired of this so i decided I was going to bring my friend Autumn. We planned on staying at Justin's the night before because he lives in Dennis port. When Steven tells this to Justin, he gets all pissy about it and says if she has to come then he just wont go. I feel that's fucked up because I make it possible for him and Steven to see each other when they aren't supposed to be. All I wanted was some more girl in the mix. The three of us got into a giant scream fest that ended with me storming out screaming and swearing at them and leaving Steven stranded. At this point I just don't give a shit anymore. They use me for their forbidden relationship and I'm tired of it.
Steven had the nerve to call me today looking to see if the trip was still on. I told him I don't have a car this weekend mine died(big fat lie) because I just didn't want to go in a circle. He said why not use your moms car. My mom actually does have to work all weekend and will need to move between jobs at times that i would be away with the car. I told him I'm not taking his mom's car because what happens if she needs it. I'm also not on her insurance and what happens if we get in a car accident? He suggested the little burgundy car in my drive way. Oh yes lets take the car that has no inspection sticker, no licence plates, no valid insurance on it, and has mice in the engine. Dip shit.
My boss and manager both think these two are suckers. They suck your energy and money out until you put up boundaries. Then they either comply or leache onto someone else.
Where's the whiskey when you need it?
Currently I am:
Feeling: drained and used
Tasting: Mountain Dew
Listening to: Alicia Key's "Falling"
Located: work as always
So I'm supposed to be going to Province town this Saturday with my friend Steven and his fiance Justin. Every time I hang out with them I'm the only girl. I was getting kinda tired of this so i decided I was going to bring my friend Autumn. We planned on staying at Justin's the night before because he lives in Dennis port. When Steven tells this to Justin, he gets all pissy about it and says if she has to come then he just wont go. I feel that's fucked up because I make it possible for him and Steven to see each other when they aren't supposed to be. All I wanted was some more girl in the mix. The three of us got into a giant scream fest that ended with me storming out screaming and swearing at them and leaving Steven stranded. At this point I just don't give a shit anymore. They use me for their forbidden relationship and I'm tired of it.
Steven had the nerve to call me today looking to see if the trip was still on. I told him I don't have a car this weekend mine died(big fat lie) because I just didn't want to go in a circle. He said why not use your moms car. My mom actually does have to work all weekend and will need to move between jobs at times that i would be away with the car. I told him I'm not taking his mom's car because what happens if she needs it. I'm also not on her insurance and what happens if we get in a car accident? He suggested the little burgundy car in my drive way. Oh yes lets take the car that has no inspection sticker, no licence plates, no valid insurance on it, and has mice in the engine. Dip shit.
My boss and manager both think these two are suckers. They suck your energy and money out until you put up boundaries. Then they either comply or leache onto someone else.
Where's the whiskey when you need it?
Friday, March 7, 2008
"You got my head spinning..."
At least thats what the sudden tidal wave of customers and tasks has done to me.
Currently I am:
Feeling: overwhelmed
Listening to: Some 80s song on the radio that i actually DON'T like
Tasting: water lol
Located in: work(what else is new?)
Almost as soon as I get into work today it seems that everyone and their mother needed to call or come in all at the same time.I've been here since 9:30 and i have only just now gotten a moment to sit and think. The cleaning ladies kept me laughing telling me I should just tell the customers to F*** off we dont have shoe s*** here. I told them even that wouldnt get my sorry ass fired. Seriously, I've tried to quit. The boss wont let me.
I'm gonna be going to Provincetown on the 15th with my gay friend Steven and his fiance Justin. My mom told me not to go into the sex shops because I would be scared. Now that she's told me this my curiosity will get the better of me and I'll end up looking in at least one of them.
I wonder whats taking my pizza so long to arrive. Im a chubby kid and i like to eat dang it!
Currently I am:
Feeling: overwhelmed
Listening to: Some 80s song on the radio that i actually DON'T like
Tasting: water lol
Located in: work(what else is new?)
Almost as soon as I get into work today it seems that everyone and their mother needed to call or come in all at the same time.I've been here since 9:30 and i have only just now gotten a moment to sit and think. The cleaning ladies kept me laughing telling me I should just tell the customers to F*** off we dont have shoe s*** here. I told them even that wouldnt get my sorry ass fired. Seriously, I've tried to quit. The boss wont let me.
I'm gonna be going to Provincetown on the 15th with my gay friend Steven and his fiance Justin. My mom told me not to go into the sex shops because I would be scared. Now that she's told me this my curiosity will get the better of me and I'll end up looking in at least one of them.
I wonder whats taking my pizza so long to arrive. Im a chubby kid and i like to eat dang it!
Thursday, March 6, 2008
Filler entry here
Just a filler entry since Im behind with my numbers:
Currently I am:
Feeling: anxious wondering if I'll crank out this entry befor class starts
Listening to: two girls pissed off about hilary clinton winning more then obama
tasting: nothing
Located in: the connector between north and south hall
Yes yes another fluffy entry. I dont know why but I felt the need to make another one right befor im supposed to hand over the URL to Professor Kershner.
I guess I should apologize for any feelings of discomfort at my previous entry about my lady problems. I dont think befor i say(or type) things alot of the time.
Im starting to get my finances in order. Thank god I wont be as broke as I am. I really feel stupid for screwing up my checking so badly. I have locked up the debit card for the next month in an attempt to recover.
Sitting in the connector is a good place to go "people watching". Making up back stories for total strangers is something my cousin Bobby got me into. Like the shaggy haired kid who smells like a basement that just walked by. I think he really wishes he could be in a band so he could have the novelty of groupies. But his hair flopping over his eyes says he's too shy to go for it.
WOW i belive thats the most random blog post i've made yet.
Currently I am:
Feeling: anxious wondering if I'll crank out this entry befor class starts
Listening to: two girls pissed off about hilary clinton winning more then obama
tasting: nothing
Located in: the connector between north and south hall
Yes yes another fluffy entry. I dont know why but I felt the need to make another one right befor im supposed to hand over the URL to Professor Kershner.
I guess I should apologize for any feelings of discomfort at my previous entry about my lady problems. I dont think befor i say(or type) things alot of the time.
Im starting to get my finances in order. Thank god I wont be as broke as I am. I really feel stupid for screwing up my checking so badly. I have locked up the debit card for the next month in an attempt to recover.
Sitting in the connector is a good place to go "people watching". Making up back stories for total strangers is something my cousin Bobby got me into. Like the shaggy haired kid who smells like a basement that just walked by. I think he really wishes he could be in a band so he could have the novelty of groupies. But his hair flopping over his eyes says he's too shy to go for it.
WOW i belive thats the most random blog post i've made yet.
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
Mission to Birth Control do you copy?
I'm not a trollop. I'm just taking care of my health.
Currently I am:
Feeling: a little confused
Listening to: O*Town "I showed her"(yea I'm lame)
Tasting: salt and vinegar chips
Located in: work
I decided to put myself on some birth control pills. I'm just plain sick of the uncertainty with my "red flag". I thought I was going to skip it last month since it was like 2 weeks late and I haven't had sex in almost 3 years. Nope just when I though I was in the clear it comes out of no where with a vengeance. I have absolutely no intentions of telling my parents. They are aware that I have had sex but I seriously believe that they think I wont have it again since an unpleasant incident that happened 3 years ago. If they find out I really don't care. I'm 20 years old and at some point in the future there will be some guy out there that wants to sleep with me for some reason unbeknown to myself.
The sucky part about going on the pill is that I have to quit smoking. What the hell am I supposed to do on my break at work? I just hope they dont tell me I can't drink alchomahols anymore. That would suck even worse. We will have to see on the 11th.
Currently I am:
Feeling: a little confused
Listening to: O*Town "I showed her"(yea I'm lame)
Tasting: salt and vinegar chips
Located in: work
I decided to put myself on some birth control pills. I'm just plain sick of the uncertainty with my "red flag". I thought I was going to skip it last month since it was like 2 weeks late and I haven't had sex in almost 3 years. Nope just when I though I was in the clear it comes out of no where with a vengeance. I have absolutely no intentions of telling my parents. They are aware that I have had sex but I seriously believe that they think I wont have it again since an unpleasant incident that happened 3 years ago. If they find out I really don't care. I'm 20 years old and at some point in the future there will be some guy out there that wants to sleep with me for some reason unbeknown to myself.
The sucky part about going on the pill is that I have to quit smoking. What the hell am I supposed to do on my break at work? I just hope they dont tell me I can't drink alchomahols anymore. That would suck even worse. We will have to see on the 11th.
Sunday, March 2, 2008
"How you remind me..."
I suddenly feel very young.
I have to listen to music when I'm doing homework of any sort. My usual choices have started to sound the same. To mix it up I decided to throw on a disc that I probably havent played in 6 years. The band is called O*Town. They came from the show "Making the band" waaaaaaaaaaay back. They started out as the typical boy band. All dressing the same with that poppy boy-band sound. Im listening to their second disc in which they sort of create their own sound and image. The music is a combination of some rock-sounding riffs with a little hip hop, a few shreds of that pop music and of course the typical breakin' up song. Right now the song "Suddenly" is playing and this takes me back to around the time my second boyfriend broke up with me. I was still on the mend from my first boyfriend who lasted 11 months. On top of getting broken up with twice in a month I had just started high school. I dont adapt to change easily and everything happening at once just felt so overwhelming.
There's another song on this disc that reminds me of all the cheating my first boyfriend did. It's called "I only dance with you" the begining starts out with this guy meeting his girlfriends best friend and the best friend basicly trying to get the guy to be hers. The only differnce between song guy and my ex is that my ex didnt try to stop the hoes.
Hmmm double posts.
I have to listen to music when I'm doing homework of any sort. My usual choices have started to sound the same. To mix it up I decided to throw on a disc that I probably havent played in 6 years. The band is called O*Town. They came from the show "Making the band" waaaaaaaaaaay back. They started out as the typical boy band. All dressing the same with that poppy boy-band sound. Im listening to their second disc in which they sort of create their own sound and image. The music is a combination of some rock-sounding riffs with a little hip hop, a few shreds of that pop music and of course the typical breakin' up song. Right now the song "Suddenly" is playing and this takes me back to around the time my second boyfriend broke up with me. I was still on the mend from my first boyfriend who lasted 11 months. On top of getting broken up with twice in a month I had just started high school. I dont adapt to change easily and everything happening at once just felt so overwhelming.
There's another song on this disc that reminds me of all the cheating my first boyfriend did. It's called "I only dance with you" the begining starts out with this guy meeting his girlfriends best friend and the best friend basicly trying to get the guy to be hers. The only differnce between song guy and my ex is that my ex didnt try to stop the hoes.
Hmmm double posts.
Low-blow to the ego fo sho'!
The other night was a total downer.
Currently I am:
Feeling: frustrated
Listening to: a freebie promo CD from Newbury Comics
Tasting: nothing
Located in: still sinking mattress
I have become so completely pathetic that the only offer I've gotten for intimate contact with the opposite sex is from my gay friend Steven. Does it say desprate on my face? I mean I know I have T to look forward to this summer but I cant help but peak around. Like this guy in my english class this semester.We'll call him E. We hooked up a few times and almost dated. I know he's got his girlfriend but I still think about those late night adventures. Wow now I sound like some creepy pervert. Ok moving on.
I finally finally really decided that my research paper will be on gun control. I am no allowing myself to change it anymore.
Wow another blog post that feels more like pulling teeth then fun.
Currently I am:
Feeling: frustrated
Listening to: a freebie promo CD from Newbury Comics
Tasting: nothing
Located in: still sinking mattress
I have become so completely pathetic that the only offer I've gotten for intimate contact with the opposite sex is from my gay friend Steven. Does it say desprate on my face? I mean I know I have T to look forward to this summer but I cant help but peak around. Like this guy in my english class this semester.We'll call him E. We hooked up a few times and almost dated. I know he's got his girlfriend but I still think about those late night adventures. Wow now I sound like some creepy pervert. Ok moving on.
I finally finally really decided that my research paper will be on gun control. I am no allowing myself to change it anymore.
Wow another blog post that feels more like pulling teeth then fun.
Saturday, March 1, 2008
"See androids fighting..."
Yea got The Rocky Horror Picture Show music stuck in my head.
Currently I am:
Feeling: much better then yesterday
Listening to: nothing
Tasting: bubble gum flavored mouth wash(yea I'm really a 6 year old with a 20 year old's body)
Located in: bed that needs its mattress turned over soon(sink hole yes?)
I haven't been in the best of moods since about Thursday when I found out my checking account is very overdrawn. This isn't good because in about four days i will need to have some kind of money in this account to go toward my payment plan for school. I have no idea how I'm going to do this. I really hate asking for money from people but I will have to bite the bullet because if I screw up the payment plan its marks down on my credit score. This whole thing coupled with the shitty sleep schedule last week has sent me into a combination depression/frustration.
I did end up attending the multicultural festival on campus today. It was actually a lot of fun despite going by myself. I learned that there is a lot more culturally on the cape then I used to think. I wish i could have looked more at what the vendors where selling but it was just so crowded.
I need some inspiration for flippin' blog entries.
Currently I am:
Feeling: much better then yesterday
Listening to: nothing
Tasting: bubble gum flavored mouth wash(yea I'm really a 6 year old with a 20 year old's body)
Located in: bed that needs its mattress turned over soon(sink hole yes?)
I haven't been in the best of moods since about Thursday when I found out my checking account is very overdrawn. This isn't good because in about four days i will need to have some kind of money in this account to go toward my payment plan for school. I have no idea how I'm going to do this. I really hate asking for money from people but I will have to bite the bullet because if I screw up the payment plan its marks down on my credit score. This whole thing coupled with the shitty sleep schedule last week has sent me into a combination depression/frustration.
I did end up attending the multicultural festival on campus today. It was actually a lot of fun despite going by myself. I learned that there is a lot more culturally on the cape then I used to think. I wish i could have looked more at what the vendors where selling but it was just so crowded.
I need some inspiration for flippin' blog entries.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
