Keeps gettin better

No actually it doesnt.

Crappy late thanksgiving.

I've been broken hearted once again. C.I love him more then I can stand but I dont think he loves me. There's another girl and I waited to long to confess I was never really over him. Now he's in to deep and wont hurt her. I feel absolutely fucking crushed. Why the fuck cant I be loved? I try to be positive and upbeat but i keep getting burned. I dont think I can keep doing this. Im not even looking for sex anymore. I just want someone to hold me and make me feel special.

Where is the love?

Finally free...(almost)

So I changed my cell # yesterday. And J is apparently pestering my gays for the new digits. He has even gone so far as to look up my house number. Of course i didnt answer it and thank god for the generic voicemail greeting with no names in it. I told them to say they dont have my number. S is an idiot and was honest but told him he couldnt give it out. Now J is pestering him for it. In some ways i feel bad that S got dragged into it but in other ways I dont feel bad because if he had just told him what i told him to it would be ok.

More conversations with E in the past few days. I do love that boy. :)

And it just gets wierder

Im tired of people. Yep I give up on the human race.

I told J i was tired of his shit he needs to leave me alone and stop calling me. He of course is an idiot and doesnt get the message. I've tried being nice and it doesnt work. I've tried being rude and that doesnt work. Im running out of options here. I just dont feel an attraction to him. Simple as that. I thought i would grow to like him but I dont.

S is another moron. He calls and asks for advice, then doesnt follow it. Then he wonders why I get pissed off when he asks for more. My gays are misbehaving and Im displeased. Im tired of being their marriage counciler.

I want a full time job NOW!!! Im tired of my boss and her shit. I need change.

I've been in touch with E recently :D. I saw him walking to the tech building at school but im to chicken shit to ditch my friend on the phone to make my presence known. I texted him and he said he missed me. Then on friday we were texting and he said he'd rather be with me then in school right then. I told him I'd like that. If I see him tomorrow I'll make myself known. :)

Happy late halloween

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!

Thats what I want to do. More specifically I want to scream at the top of my lungs until my voice gives or i pass out. Although a good fucking would probably ease my frazzled nerves. I've decided to drop one of my courses. I just cant get all the work done for all the classes so my managment class is the one to go. I'll lose the money but it'll be better to lose the money for one course then to fail 4. I can still do a buy back on the book.

I think im getting carpal(sp?) tunnel in my thumb from texting. This isnt good since I love to text. Maybe my new phone will help with it. It's got a full keyboard so I wont b able to text wen im drivin anymore(EEK!). Hopefully i can get the phone numbers transferred over tomorrow. I wanted to wait untill I could go to my friends store and get it done there but my old phone died and I needed a phone. Why couldn't I just charge it you say? Read the next paragraph...

Our house is in chaos. This is because we're gettin hardwood floors put in. We just pulled up the crappy carpet and ugly peel 'n stick tiles today. Everything is moved or lost, including my phone charger that dear old momma lost. I was unfortunately at work today and couldnt move my crap when she needed it moved. I just dont understand why you wouldnt put someones stuff in their room is they arent here to claim it. I could understand if it was say my eyebrow waxing kit because thats got alot of stuff in it. But a cell phone charger isnt that much of a burden that it couldnt be thrown on my bed. Im really not that particular.

I dont understand people's thinking.

Back to school

And feeling more overwhelmed then ever. I wanna hide and cry Im so nervous. Im trying to keep my head clear but its just so scarey. On the plus side I heard from E today. He always makes me smile :).

I've been torturing myself with the syllabus all afternoon. I gotta get a better job. Im so not diggin school anymore. Maybe I could change classes or something.

"Spend my money on women and wine..."

But i couldn't tell ya where I spent last niiiight.

I turned 21 last week. WOOOOOOOOOT!!! My current drink of craving is cheap wine or white Russians. I'm going to my friends house tomorrow to get trashed!!! Sooooooooo excited!!!

Not a huge celebration on the actual day. My cousin took me to the beach and we got cheap wine for the girls and Budweiser for the boys. And some kind of fruity drink from Captain Morgans. They didn't seem to have as strong of an effect as the wine. I cant remember the ride back home. We got in around 3 am and cooked Alfredo garlic pasta and it was SO good.

I had to drop $260 on books for school today and that's only for 2 of the 4 books i need. This is getting pricey and I'm not sure I can keep going at it. Gonna try to get some financial aid or something. Somethings gotta give soon.

J is now telling people I'm his girlfriend. I don't know how I feel about that. He's alright I guess but I'm not feeling the spark and tingles like I usually do. If i cant get him to slow down a little I'll just change my phone number again and disappear. He doesn't drive and has only been to my house once for like 3 minutes so I could get my alcohol out of my room. It wouldn't be to hard to shake this one.

We'll see...

No such luck

Unfortunately J is still interested. And yet at the same time I hear he's on a gay chatline. Go fuckin figure right? At least Im not letting him get close enough to hurt me. My trust issues are bubbling up to the surface again.

Im currently scrambling to get a fourth class this semester since one of the classes got cancelled. I had to grab an online course because one of the classes that i got dropped from filled up. I think I'll work on that course between my 2 on campus courses. Money is a pain this time around. At least the one online class reduces my gas consumption. Wow who sounds like a tree hugger?

Just got off the phone with T. I wish sooooooooo bad I could be with him. To bad Im stuck in this crap heap called The Cape.

J and Steven can kiss...

...the fattest part of my ass!!!

I FUCKING QUIT!!!

Im moving to a friggin convent and becoming a nun. Thats looking like the only way Im gonna get people to friggin drop this whole thing with J. I cant understand how it is that Steven can run around like a fucking $.50 whore and nobody says anything about it. But heaven forbid I sleep with ONE FUCKING GUY in 2 years and suddenly Im a tramp and we simply must broadcast it across the fucking planet.

I think J might have gotten tired of me blowing him off. Its not like I had a choice. My mom had her gaulbladder out on wednesday and I havent been able to come out and hang. I explained this to him multiple times prior to the surgery date. Yet every friggin day he's asked me to come hang with him. Then I got sick at the hospital with bronchitis or some shit(thanks steven). I feel like shit and just dont feel like going out. Nobody fucking gets it. Out of the 5 of us, Im the only one with a job and a car. None of them give me gas money.

Gaaaaaaaaaah random rants galore....

Im getting the feeling that...

...my vagina secretes Zyprexa,Aterall, marinara sauce, and THC.

Let me explain(probably repeating myself) why I think this.

Every boyfriend I have ever had has either been Bi-polar, ADHD, Italian or a stoner.

First boyfriend-ADHD, Italian, Stoner
Second boyfriend-ADHD, Stoner, strongly suspected italian
Third boyfriend- ADHD turned Bi-Polar, Italian, Stoner
Fourth boyfriend-ADHD, Stoner, suspected Italian

I met one of Stevens friends last sunday night.We will call him J We ended up hooking up(mistake number 1) without a condom(mistake number 2) after knowing eachother maybe 3 hours(my own mistake number 3). Dont even begin to judge me. It had been 2 years 2 months and 1 day since I had last had sex. I was just going with the flow. I swore up and down all week that it was only going to be a one night stand and that it would be the only one I ever had for the rest of my life. Then thursday he calls me (should have changed my friggin number) asking if I wouldnt mind giving him a ride to his moms house in B-bay. I had about as much resistance as a fucking cotton ball. I drive up to his apt and we hang out watching Scarface and eating hot dogs. His first move was repeating "Hey fuck you" and poking my face. I nip at his finger and he laughs. Then during the dancing scene with the girl in the green dress he decides to pretend he can sing and dance and pulls me up to dance with him. He kissed my cheek and we sit back down. There was an arm across my sholders here and there but nothing really spectacular. That is untill the last scene where Al Pacino is shooting everybody up. I guess big fight scenes with ficticous drug lords get him going because things escalated from a grope.

I still feel pretty skanky about it. But at the same time I want more.

"The minute you let her under your skin, then you begin to make it better..."

And the whirlwind that seems to be my emotions continues.

E contacted me on wednesday night. I guess things didnt work out with the one he was attached to in TX. Despite everything I still have feelings for him. We got together on thursday and he was so sweet. I hope I hear from him again. Sent a text a few minutes ago. I can actually say Im happy which is a first.

A haiku:

He smiles at her
Like sunshine, it melts her heart
Have the walls been cracked?

"Lucy in the Sky with diamonds"

Not alot has happened lately. I've been picking up more clients in the salon. I did have a very rude woman come in the other day. She criticized everything I did. Then she wanted me to use clippers to cut the hard skin around her nails and legally I can't do that. She was very insistent on it but i stood my ground. She ended up taking the clippers herself and hacked away at her fingers. Then of course she complained about the clippers being dull. Sorry they were meant to cut nails not your dead skin lady. I was very happy when she left. Told my boss to blacklist her name, that if she was booked with me again I was quiting.

Found out my van is gonna cost about 2000 in repairs to get it inspection ready. This makes me sad. I want my baby back :( Im tired of this little Taurus. I like my van becuase its surprisingly good on gas. And with prices being what they are I need to save where I can.

bits and peices

The salon is finally picking up. I had 5 people last week which is alot more then normal. My sisters and mom are almost out of school which means i wont have to be up at 7 am to drive anyone to school.WOO HOO!!! I'll be kinda bummed about the early drop off job being done for the summer tho. That little bit of cash really helped.

I heard from my grandmother yesterday. She had the tumor removed and is undergoing radiation . She's happy to have it out and Im glad she's ok. I planned on sending a card but as does everything in my life it got away from me.

no nifty title today

I have no idea why Im writting this entry. Im bored at work and waiting for my virus scan to complete it self.

Im seriously bummed out about not being able to see T this summer. Plans fell through. I wish I could just up and go but I have work and restrictions.

I found out my grandmother has breast cancer. I think today she was getting radiation and then they would see if she needed chemo. I may have to go out and stay with her for a week if things get worse. I really hope she's gonna be ok.

"Your askin me will my love grow?"

I want somebody to tell me its gonna get easier. That there really is someone out there for me. That im not gonna end up a lonely spinster.

I just dont get it. Im really fucking nice. I dont judge people, i dont start drama, i mind my own business. I don't stray to far from the "good" path. And when I do I dont go hog wild. Yet with all this good I always attract all this bad. But you look at some of the other girls in town and they are so awful. Running around whoring it up, and just being little bitches. And the good guys are falling all over each other to get to them. I admit i screwed up big time about 3 years ago. Im trying to at least burry that indiscretion and move on. I got a call today from an ex beggin money off me. I can't seem to escape the past.

GRRRRRRRRR

Every now and then.

I guess I'll just write in here every now and then.

Was supposed to go up to Brighton this weekend to party with my cousin but rainy ass weather prevented that. Bummed out because I needed to let loose.

Going a hair show next weekend. Im super excited because I can buy high end salon products for really cheap. I gotta find some decent dandruff shampoo. I wanna peel my scalp off sometimes it itches so bad.

T pissed me off the other night. I finally tell him I can go out to see him and that my gay friend Steven and his fiance are coming with me. He's all excited and happy for that. Then he starts talkin about how he can have sex with them too. It's like what the fuck? I'm not enough? And on top of that my friends are all for it. Im tempted to call the whole thing off. Fuck em all. Sorry but I dont fuck gay guys.

Why can't I catch a break?

"Will i lose my dignity?"

Is this the end of inside a jaded girls mind?

Currently:
Feeling: heart burn
Listening: radio
Tasting: Spaghetti -o's
Located: work

No T last ngiht again. I think its finals week for him and he's been studying. I didnt think about that till last night because im brain dead. Felt extra lonely to. I hope he's ok.

E offered another nap last night. And of course I can't say no. Because Im starved for love. Or at least a little attention. I hope he goes through with his offer this time because it hurts when he doesn't. He offered one other time but then said he couldnt do it. I havent heard from him today yet. I hope he doesnt back out because even though he's still attached Im lonely. If he gets weird I can justify it in a way that wont make him sad.

The wait is the hardest part

"They tumble as they make their way across the universe..."

Currently:

Feeling: mellow

Listening: Across the universe sound track

Tasting: nothing

Located: The Connector



See what happens when you take 6 days off from blogging? Im scrambling to crank out entries in time for the second journal check. Hopefully he wont check right away. I can squeeze in another entry later today.



Im really looking forward to summer. I can't get the time off to go to camp this summer. WOO HOO!!! I was kind of getting tired of it. It's church camp and I only went to keep my mom off my ass. Its just very repressive there. I got a dirty look from the camp nurse when I asked her for a tampon last summer. All I wanted to do was go swimming. I'd probably be crucified if they found my birth control. Because Im a total tramp huh?



Had my manager almost pissing her pants the other day. The upstairs bathroom at work for some reason has a window installed at ass level. I dont like to flash my bare butt at the entire neighborhood. I always pull the shade down. My boss started bitching and told us leave it where she put. I told her "Sorry Donna I just dont like the ENTIRE hood see my bare ass flappin in the breeze" then a few seconds later " The only people I want seeing my bare ass is a boyfriend and you wanna know why?" she says "Why?" in a piss tone. Im like "Because then I know something very fun about to happen" The manager almost died.

"Another one bites the dust..."

Le sigh

Currently:
Feeling: bummed out about my car
Listening: TV
Tasting: Chocolate Carnation instant breakfast
Located: living room couch

So I leave work early today to go to the museum with the school. I rush home to get me head phones for the ride up. Soon as I get on the highway my car starts to lurch and the check engine light comes on. I pull over and wait a few mins so see if it'll calm down. I start to drive again and it lurches again. Pull over turn the car off for a few. Drive again and turn the heat up full blast just incase the engine was going to over heat. Notice the squeak from the tensioner is consistent and much more rapid. I look at the rotation gage and its at 4.5-5 rpm and im only driving 55 mph. Its usually down at about 2.5.

Why does my car hate me?

"I shiver when I here your name..."

Now Im scrambling to get my entries done.

Currently:
Feeling: achey
Listening to: the whirring of the dehumidifyer
Tasting: nothing
Located: bed

Still trying to figure out if I'll get to see T this summer. I just wanna feel loved again. He makes me feel special and loved. But my mom is making it increasingly difficult to do that. I cant do anything while im under their roof.

I've been thinking about getting an appartment. I just need a better job to pay for it. And a reliable room mate.

So I made it through english class without much discomfort. Maybe I can finally let go. So long as he doesnt start with the naughty things. We will have to see about that.

Going on in my head right now: Tap on my window, knock on my door, I wanna make you feel beautiful. (lyrics to maroon 5 "she will be loved")

I hope I can get up to the school and go on the trip to Boston Museum of Fine Arts. I havent been in a couple of years and it would be a nice change of scenery. Gotta remember to try and snag a computer for the english final tomorrow as well.

"Im working in the spider webs so leave a message and I'll call you back..."

Ok so in reality Im taking a break from my research paper to blog. Hmmm taking a break from home work to do other homework?

Currently:
Feeling: awake
Listening: No Doubt "Sunday Morning"
Tasting: nap mouth (not as gross as morning mouth but still unpleasant)
Located: bed

HOLY BLOG TAGS BATMAN!!! Yes I went back through all my entries and added tags while at work yesterday. I could have used the 5 hours of quiet to work on my paper but i wasnt inspired to do that.

Have been waaaaaaaay to tire the last 2 nights to do marathon cam2cam with T. I actually miss him. I still dont want to let my heart get fully attached incase things dont work out. Blah Im so worried about getting hurt.

Im hopefully going up to Brighton to visit my cousin in her appartment next weekend. Should be loads of find. Got me a bottle of Jack and some weed to bring to the party. Her and her friends do some insane drugs. I stick to weed, booze and strange men. And I dont even smoke weed or have strange men that often. (que comedy drum). Hoping to get more alcohol befor then.

We'll just have to see.

"To turn around and walk away pretending i dont love yooooou..."

Currently:
Feeling: so sad it hurts
Listening: crappy radio
Tasting: nothing
Located: work

I went to the Weymouth High School Carnival yesterday. It was alot of fun but I was so tired from the combination af benadryl and weed I had a hard time enjoying it. Had to take the benadryl because I accidently ate bread that had sesame seeds on it. Good thing my cousin noticed it when she made herself a sandwich. I didn't tell my grandma because she was sick. The weed made me feel nice and mellow till my mom called and asked me to do all this stuff for my grandma. I was in a panic that I would have to try and cook or something. Thank god grandma wasnt hungry for anything. I ended up falling asleep on the couch. Lost most of the high during the nap. I must have been itchy when I was sleeping because I woke up with my neck all scratched up. The carnival was awesome despite my sleepy/high. Had serious munchies and ended up eating like 10 pounds of chillie cheese fries. Not good because i was throwing up most of them last night and today my hands are almost to swollen to type.

At least Im not hungover

"I'll pretend that I'm kissin' the lips I been missin'..."

And I'll send all my lovin' to yooooooou.

Currently:
Feeling: weirded out and hungry
Listening: the campus radio station playing a cool song i want to know the name and artist of
Tasting: nothing
Located: The Connector

I'm currently obsessed with the movie Across the Universe. It set back in the 60's and has a trippy Beatles music soundtrack. I downloaded all 30 of the songs to my mp3 the other night. I still haven't figured out how I'm going to get out to see T this summer. I'm to the point right now that I'm just gonna go whether I have permission to go or not. I'll have to plan out where to store my car and a lot of my clothes in case i get my ass tossed out. I know i can keep my car with my friend Brigid and maybe E wont have pissed me off so much that I can store some of my clothes with him. My manager Diane would probably let me keep some stuff with her.

I swear my ex K has a twin. I keep seeing this guy around campus that looks almost exactly like him. The only difference is campus guy has lighter hair. Everything else is the same. Same long hair, same beard-a-ma-jig, same skinny little ass.

I really don't feel like going to work today. I'd rather stay on campus and get some decent research done for my English paper revision. I'm still debating on my major as well. Told Diane I might be switching and she didn't seem to cool with it.

I really want it to be summer break soon.

"Im addicted to you..."

I am SO caffeine's bitch.

Currently:
Feeling: tired despite going to bed at 11 instead of the ungodly hour of 3 or 4
Listening to: John Mayor "Daughters" on my mp3
Tasting: nothing
Located: The Connector

My inner insomniac decided it was going to take a night off last night. And even with the extra hour of sleep I'm still tired. I wonder if the birth control could have anything to do with it. It's more then likely from my period last week. I'm eating a lot better I noticed since i started taking the birth control. Now if only i could get my ass motivated enough to exercise. I've been walking my dog most nights for about a half hour. Its not that we go very far its that he's a beagle. Hunting dog to the core. He has to sniff everything and pee on every single bush and tree and telephone pole. Oddly enough he refuses to pee on the few fire hydrants in the neighborhood.

I'm still torn on whether I'm changing majors or not. Last week I was leaning heavy on early childhood development. But I also considered art as well. I'm not sure I'm digging the early childcare so much. I've been itching to get some sketching done the last month. I've been thinking about art being my major a lot the last few days.

I hate being so indecisive.

"Would you want me when Im not myself..."

Currently:
Feeling: negative. i seriously cant pick one suck emotion to describe how i feel right now. I'm a combination of them all
Listening: nothing
Tasting: nothing
Located: recently flipped over mattress(hey i got something done!)

I cant figure anything out anymore. My mom may not let me take a vacation this summer to visit friends in Illinois. I'm not sure if I want to stick with my current major. I'm contemplating possibly moving out and going away for school. I don't know what I want anymore. My head is all mixed up.

I want more freedom. My mom is very controlling lately. I wanted to wear a skirt last week and the night before I was looking for black nylons and she got very suspicious and weird about it. I know she still doesn't trust me after what happened 3 years ago. I've been relatively decent as far as behavior goes since then but she still cant let go. I know she'd flip if she found out i put myself on birth control. I feel restricted and smothered.

AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHRRRRRRRRRGGGGGG

"It's been a while, since I could hold my head up high..."

Soooooooo sleepy

Currently:
Feeling: sleepy and slightly surprised that its been 6 days since my last entry
Listening: my yawns
Tasting: faint remnants of bubble gum mouth wash
Located: the ever sinking matress

Well the semester is nearly over. Only 6 more classes left of sitting next to E and longing after him. Then it'll be summer and I wont see him. I care about him alot. I guess thats why I can't seem to shake him. Despite that fact that he more likely then not doesnt give a flying fuck about me. I really want to move on. I really do. I guess all I can do is hope that he will be happy. Wish him good luck and then just fade. If things dont work out with T I guess I'll just go back to chasing the scummy guys around this town. That seems to be where I always end up. I start out all floaty and happy because a decent guy payed some attention to me then something doesnt work and I'm left to the rats again. I really hope things to pan out with T. We have a lot more in common then most.

We'll just have to see...

(insert music lyric turned blog entry title here)

Just felt like putting in a fluff entry

Currently:
Feeling: confident that I can move past E
Listening: Lenny Kravits "As long as I'm living" stuck in my head
Tasting: bubble gum mouth wash
Located: next to indent in sinking mattress

I think I'm finally ready to let it go. I think I can handle sitting next to E in English tomorrow and not feeling either very angry or very dirty. I need to just let go. Wish him well and be done. I have T to look forward to this summer. That doesn't mean I'm not gonna make it hurt when E looks at me. I used to have an evil plan to make it visually difficult for him to behave. When I thought he might be interested the plan shifted gears from that to giving him the push to dump the hemorrhoid he's with. Now the plan has once again shifted and focus is on making damn sure he doesn't forget the little he did have with me and making sure he sees what he missed. After I'm satisfied that I have either ruined his head or I get bored then I'll stop. I wish this mind could be used for good over evil sometimes.

At least T thinks my evil thoughts are hot.

"Back in black.."

YA!!!

Currently:
Feeling: loved and happy(a rarity for this blogger)
Listening: T talking to his roomie and him singin
Tasting: extra dark chocolate truffles
Located: STILL sinking mattress

I got my stupid wireless fixed today!!! I FIXED THE INTERNET!!! OK so technically the com cast guy helped me but I was SO there. Now I'm triple tasking. I on the phone with T, typing out a blog entry and on web cam with T. And I'm smiling. That's kinda rare for me. He just asked why my cam was moving so much. Wow and now I'm slipping into that play by play thing. OK stopping now.

I'm not dwelling on E anymore either. But we will see how that pans out on Tuesday. Hoping against hope that I can forget him. Maybe I was dwelling because I couldn't have as much of T as I'm used to. Who knows? And things are looking up as far as going to visit him this summer. Im so excited :)

Here's to brightening up the blog a bit eh?(cough)

"I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house..."

Dang weather being all loud and waking me up before the stupid sun

Currently:
Feeling: still ever sad about the whole E thing, tired from the hail, and creeped out by the call i just got on the work phone
Listening: nothing
Tasting: nothing
Located: work

Why cant they mass produce the memory eraser thing from MIB? But make it so only certain memories could be erased. I really do want to get off this whole E thing. I just cant let it go. I'm going against everything I swore I never do but I don't care. I honestly think if he offered another "nap" I wouldn't be able to stop myself. I want to say no. I wanna tell him to fuck off, that I'm done. I just don't think I would mean it. At the same time I think if I could just go be with T I wouldn't really care what E does.

The hail on the windows this morning woke me up. Then I couldn't get back to sleep till it was time for me to wake up anyway. I ended up getting into work late and getting chewed out from the boss. Then just before I started this entry I get a call at the office phone of some creep asking if they could kiss my feet. Now I'm kinda scared. I just hope they don't know where this place is. Don't want them accosting me when I go to leave.

Other then that not much has been going on. My gay friend Steve had a birthday party yesterday. Very low key. Subs and sundae's. I got him cigarettes and a card because I'm a broke-ass college girl.

Always with the weirdo's eh?

"Im crazy, for that laaydaay..."

OK so I'm not crazy for a lady but I seem to have gotten a wee bit fixated on Haiku's...

Currently:
Feeling: level. I'm not really feeling very strongly about anything
Listening: the Redsox/Yankees game
Tasting: milk
Located: living room couch

So Thursday in English class the prof. had us take a short walk in silence around the north and south building. Then we went back inside and had to write a haiku about it. I seem to have developed a mild fixation with them ever since.

Here's the one I did for class:
Bright sun, a cold heart
Jaded from things of the past
Cold air makes her numb

He thought that was the best one in the whole class. Thank god it was anonymous.

Here's one I came up with later:
Teacher says silent walk
He forgets text messaging
Kershner is silly

I had one that was kind dark but I forgot it. Been trying in vain to get it to come back to me. To bad I was driving and couldn't write it down.

I wish class was over but at the same time I don't because then English class will be done and I wont get to see E unless I seek him out. I DO wish it was summer because then I could be with T and I wouldn't give a flying fuck about E. Well I would hope I wouldn't.

"You cant always get what you waaaant..."

I think life hates me.

Currently:
Feeling: sooooooooooo sad it hurts
Listening: people shuffle around, doors opening and closing
Tasting: nothing
Located: The Connector

I dont think Im going to get to see T this summer like I planned. His mom said no last night and he's pissed about it. His sisters boyfriend LIVED with them and all we want is a week. I guess she wants to get the house fixed up using HIS money. I dont know what to do. He said he might be able to get his friend to let me crash at his apt for a week. I might just have to work my ass off to save enough for a cheap hotel. Things just dont look very promising right now. Why do all the nice guys have to be so far away??? I cant even think about the whole situation because it makes me sad.

E can take his whole "Think positive" Attitude and shove it!!! Sure as hell not working for me right now.

Technology hates me

Its oh so true.

Currently:
Feeling: frustrated
Listening to: Celebrity Fit Club Boot Camp
Tasting: milk
Located: living room couch

The past 3 or so days I havent been able to connect to the internet on my lappy. The last person to access the web was my sister Kelly so I'm thinking she fucked it up. She refuses to admit to anything. I was on the phone yesterday with dell for an hour+. Tried doing a system restore and nothing. They tried fixing it via remote access and nothing. They told me there's nothing wrong with the laptop and nothing wrong with my wireless router. They said it had to have something to do with the chanels or something. I just want my lap top to work. This couldn't have happened at a worse time. I have papers to write and i need the internet to get to my information.

Thursday was my physical exam for the birth control. God was that ever awkward. My HIV test came back negative(WOOHOO!!!). I did have some bacterial vaginosis thing. The doctor said it didnt look like an STD. She put me on an antibiotic to hopefully clear it up. I'll have all my test results back in 3 weeks max. Im just hoping its not something serious. The counciler told me it could just be from stress. I was pretty freaked out earlier in the week.

Hoping the lap top works again.

A dog can only be kicked when it down so many times...

...before it stops fighting.



Currently:

Feeling: drained and strung out

Listening: the swirling of the pedicure throne in the other room

Tasting: buttery pop corn and Sprite

Located: work(what a surprise)



When it rains it fucking pours.



I planned on having my ex fix the tensioner in my van last night. I pick him up to go to Auto Zone to get the part. We stop off at the ATM so I can take cash out so we can buy some booze after. My plan was to use the cash for the alcohol and my card for the part. We get to Auto Zone and I can't find my card. I tear my purse and my car apart trying to find it. I go back to the bank looking all over the place and still cant find it. I am freaking the hell out at this point. We go back and use the cash to get the part. At this point my ex is trying to passively change my mind saying i can wait another day. I will not have any of this and tell him I'm sick of the squealing I want it to stop. We buy the part and go back to his house to fix it. I go inside to chill out with his mom and try to get a hold of the bank to put a stop on my card. His friend comes in and says he didn't need to replace the tensioner just needed to loosen the belt. We rush back to the store to return the part and get my money back.



While we are driving the coolant light turns on and the temperature gage is reading hot. We blast the heat to try and cool the engine. We return the part and go back to his house to put water in the radiator(or whatever it is). I am absolutely livid. From my point of view it seems like everything is fucking up since he messed with the part. I try to drive home and the steering wheel is almost rock solid. Barely moving. The van dies twice on the way home and a third and final time in front of my house. Turns out the dip shit loosened the belt to much and it came off the tensioner. This is kind of a big deal considering it...oh i don't know RUNS THE WHOLE ENGINE!!!



This morning was another fun adventure bringing me closer to my inevitable nervous break down. I realize I cant find my key to get into work. Now I'm panicing because I think I left it in my car door last night when i went to get my stuff out(its on the same ring as my car key). My boss would kill me

"In my head, its only in my head..."

I NEED MY TIN FOIL HAT!!!

Currently:
Feeling: suspicious
Listening: random song on the radio and manicurist working on her client in the other room
Tasting: mint gum
Located: work

I'm beginning to think that some of the guys I used to date got together and decided to plant a chip in my head so they could tell when I decided they were an ass hole or that I was emotionally down and thus get in touch with me again because they know my heart is easily manipulated. I am of course speaking of E right now. However he isn't the only one I'm weary of.

Let me start from the beginning. Yesterday morning(so long ago right?) I had decided E was an ass hole and I had to accept that he was just going to float in and out of my life whenever he saw fit. My sister told me I should download the song "Who let the dogs out?" to my mp3 because she liked it. I told her I wouldn't until I had time to drive past E's house with it blasting becuase he live's in, and I quote(myself)"fancy house full of fancy stuff in a fancy nieghborhood with his fancy car and I just want to disturb the piece because I think he's an ass hole." I then continued on with my day feeling pretty good that I had let go. Fast forward to about 6:30 last night. He starts texting me. The following is the exchange between us:

E:Hey how r u?
Me: Hey Im doin good how r u?(I suck at staying angry I know)
E: Sicki thhnk(think) my whole body is swore(sore)
(I thought he was drunk after this text but...)
Me: That sucks
(I was at dinner trying to figure out what I owed which is while the following texts are all from him)
E: I cant be leave we did that it was fun sorry I got all sad
(I'm wondering at this point if he has me confused for her)
E: It was my fault
E: U got to admit it was fun
E:I mean idk(he does that when he's nervous about something usually when he texts that to me its because he's worried I'm pissed off at him)
Me: It was sorry I was figuring out how much I owe 4 dinner
E: its ok what was ur fav part?
Me: feelin close to someone for a little while even if it was only one way havent felt that since graduation night
E: Aw who were you with that night? I mean fav thing we did
Me: Grad night I was with the guy from CT and I cant pick just one thing *blush* sorry

Warning: the rest of this gets graphic. If you take objection to SEXUALLY EXPLICIT content please skip the rest of this text

E: it was so great when you let me c** in ur mouth felt so good
Me:Idk what to say lol um happy 2 b of service I guess
E: would u do it again?
Me:despite my better judgement i cant say no to u
E: i could c** all inside?
Me: Inside where? Im not trying to start anything i really dont know
E: mouth
Me: Yes
E: would you swallow it?
Me: Havent I done that already? It would b kinda odd to say i dont after i have
E would you like me too c** in there again?
Me: yes
(then he doesnt text back for a while)
Me: hope you feel better soon
E: TY :]
Me: no problem

I honestly think he has a chip in my head.

"The pain will ease, and I can learn..."

The only days that suck are the one's with English class.

Currently:
Feeling: still guilty and used but also a little mushy
Listening:RENT songs in my head
Tasting: nothing
Located: ever sinking bed mattress

Nothing against the class its self or the professor. I seem to do pretty good until English class. E is there ignoring me entirely(some friend you are, asshole!) Great fine be with her, I don't really care anymore but for crap sake if we're going to be friends why not act like one? If your just saying that to "spare my feelings" sorry. Too little, too late for that. I just wish he could feel the pain he caused me. Honestly I wish all the guys out there that treat the girls in their lives like crap could see what its like to feel what we feel.

Those feelings are very slowly dissipating . I was on the phone with T for the last 2 hours and he was just sweet as could be. God I wish he was here now. Then I wouldnt still be hung up on E because there wouldnt be any "Spring break screw up"(thats the name it gets).

Here's to hoping my head clears itself out a little...

Rubs me the wrong way...(second installment

One on one time with instructors!!!

Currently:
Feeling: jittery from caffeine buzz
Listening: people walking by and music in the distance
Tasting: Starbucks dark chocolate peppermint mocha frappucino
Located: The Connector at school

I don't know why but meeting with instructors makes me very jittery. Or maybe its the coffee drink but still neither one is good when coupled with the other. I know that the instructors are here to help and guide us college kids to be successful. I guess this nervousness is more an extention of my public speaking fear. Accept instead of a bunch of people seeing my fuck up and the chance of a few people forgetting the whole thing its just one person and no buffer zone.

So things got a little scarey last night with T last night. I thought for sure I was going to freak out(like i usually do) and push him away. He told me he doesnt go out much anymore because he feels like the odd man out since all his friend have someone to be with. I felt really guilty and started saying we could end this and he could find someone more geographicly desireable. He said if that was meant to be he would have already found some one. That he wanted to keep trying with me.

I really hope his mom lets me stay with them this summer.

"I can see for miles and miles..."

I scare my self sometimes.

Currently:
Feeling: sleepy
Listening: nothing
Tasting: (once again) bubble gum mouth wash
Located: STILL sinking mattress

I seriously believe if you think of something hard enough you can will it to happen. Yesterday at work I was talking about my friend Steven still being missing and not even five minutes later his mom calls to check in see if I've heard from him. Then later on as I'm leaving work and wondering if he's OK he calls and tells me he's coming home and wants to hang out(don't get to excited he's as gay as they come). I go to his place and we make a cigarette run then come back and make dinner. Grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup SO tasty. Turns out he ended up in the hospital from not eating much for almost a week. I guess he broke it off with his now ex-fiance Justin at the hospital and decided to go home.

I'm feeling better about the E incident. Despite my better judgment I still have feelings. I had a few realizations about that afternoon. That was the first time I wasn't freaking out about my body. I didn't care about my stretchmarks or lumpy thighs. The fact that I hadn't shaved my legs in a week didn't come into my mind(i did have knee high socks on though). I also realized upon seeing where he lived and what kind of house he had that I would never fit in if I were to meet the rest of his family. He lives in a very nice 'hood in a very nice house full of very nice things. I live in a house half the size with twice as many people in it in a crappy 'hood. His room is the polar opposite of mine. He's very neat and tidy, everything is organized and clean. My room in chaotic. Clothes and shoes and junk everywhere. Walls painted teal with purple and pink stripes, squiggles, and stars. He's got smart guy stuff on his book shelves. Computer program manuals and the like. I still cant find my bookshelves.

I guess all I can do is wish him luck...*sigh*

Not good

And I ask myself "how the hell do I find these people?"

Currently:
Feeling: both worried and a little upset
Listening to: Deane Carter "Did I shave my legs for this?"
Tasing: onions from my hot dog at lunch
Located: work

My friend Steven ran away from home around March 10. I was in contact with him until about a week and a half ago. Then the phone calls stopped. I sent him a light hearted myspace message a few days ago. I know he read it but he didnt reply. I thought this was odd but kind of let it go. I sent a happy easter text to his fiance/boyfriend/husband/whatever and didnt ger a reply. This morning stevens mom calls me wondering if if i had heard from him. I tell her i havent heard from him and she tells me that the last time he ran off it was with Justin. Apparently when he was with Justin, he wouldn't let steven use the phone and when steven was trying to talk to his mom he would hit him. I tend to believe her because of the lack of communication with steven.

I think E is done talking to me for now. He barely aknowledged me today at school today. I wish I didnt like him like I do. Then I could let the whole thing go. Despite him being attached I still want him. I hate that I'm one of those girls who (secretely) longs for the one she can't have.

If only i could get rid of a few unpleasant feelings...

Happy Easter

The rabbit cometh and he leaves me candy!

Currently I am:
Feeling: less guilty about last Thursdays indiscretions and smiley over T
Listening to: The Matrix 2
Tasting: bubble gum mouthwash
located: living room couch(oh shit this blog is on the move)

Not a super eventful weekend. I worked the nursery at my church for all 3 of their Easter weekend services. Saturday night we had i think 2 babies in the infant nursery and no toddlers. Today we had probably 20 toddlers total between the 2 morning services. The room for 1st graders upstairs had 20 kids in the last service. And on top of all the little ones there wasn't enough seating in the auditorium. The pastor took chairs from all over the church so people could sit. All the chairs from the ministry center as well a the ministry apartment where brought in. They even brought in the piano bench from the back room. I was wondering if they would move on to taking the little chairs from the toddler nursery.

After all of that craze I went up to my grandmothers house for Easter dinner. Of course we got there late and all the deviled eggs where gone!!!It was a rather uneventful visit. My cousin, her boyfriend, her friend, and I went outside to blow bubbles and smoke. I only had 2 drags off a cigarette. We saw 3 huge rats running around the back yard and my aunt swore they where just chipmunks. They where sooo rats. It got cold so we went back inside and just hung out. I'm hopefully going to get up to Brighton to see my cousins new apartment next weekend.

I took the very first pill in my pack of birth control pills at 1:30. Tomorrow I'm gonna take it closer to 12 since I can be sure I'm doing the same thing around that time each day: eating lunch.

That's about it for the weekend.

No better then befor

I still hurt.

Currtently:
Feeling: pain,wishing i was alone so i could cry
Listening to: cleaning crew
Tasting: nothing
located: work

I thought sleep would make everything dull a little. I feel just as shitty as yesterday. And I cant even just lay in bed and feel miserable. I have to work and of course the cleaning people are here today. I just want to be alone. I wanna scream and cry and throw things.

Despite what happened with E i cant get mad at him. Why cant I get mad at him? If I could get angry with him for what happened I could deal alot better. But I cant. Instead I feel like i got punched in the stomach. My heart feels shattered.

And just to make things more uncomfortable I have to be around my family this weekend. And of course they will try to be all happy and cheerful. I hate this whole situation.

"Empty room like an empty heart..."

I feel so hollow.

Currently:
feeling: sad, empty, sick to my fucking stomach
Listening to: O-town
Tasting: salty tears and probably snot
Located: under the covers

I'm turning into the type of person I hate the most. I want to throw up I'm so disgusted with myself. I swore I would never be one of those girls that fell for a guy that she knew had someone. I should have known this would happen. I'm not aloud to be happy for very long. I went over to Es house today to give him the English assignment and take a nap. I figured there might be a bit of play because of how he was acting kinda flirty. I knew he had a girl but thought maybe he was just lonely and wanted someone warm. And my traitorous heart fell hard and fast for him as we got twisted around eachother beneath the sheets. I left feeling all smiley and floaty thinking someone wanted me only to get a text message that he still loves his girl and he's sorry. I am absolutely crushed right now. I cant stop crying because I thought there might be something. I hate myself for letting my heart lead me. I just want to feel something other then heart ache. I know there's T but he's so far away. I'm so screwed up about this whole thing.

I fucking quit!

Just flippin' great

Life hates me.

Currently:
Feeling: aggravated
listening to: nothing
tasting: flat coke
located: STILL sinking mattress

So after getting my mom to let me go to IL this summer to see my friends she decides today she would rather me go with her to see my dad while he's at accounting school in Mississippi. She hasn't said specifically that she doesn't want me going but that she would rather the other way. I know her and this is only the beginning of he saying no all together. And I cant get all pissed off at her about it because I was kind of an ass to her today when we were shopping. I didn't mean to be a pain I was just very tired and my ankles hurt. I gotta make this up to her some how.

I miss T. I haven't heard from him in a few days and I'm getting worried. I thought he was into me but maybe I was wrong. E has been confiding in me the last few days about him and his lady. He worries the hell out of me. Despite everything that has transpired between us I don't hate the fact that he's still living. I just wish I could keep my feelings in check. I haven't revealed anything to him but inside my head its a roller coaster.

I guess I can count the fact that I havent started smoking again as something good.

Medical history done, Physical Exam to go

Currently I am:
Feeling: relaxed and clean from my shower
Listening to: the whirring of the dehumidifier and the clickety click of my keyboard
Tasting: bubble gum mouth wash
Located: STILL sinking mattress(maybe I'll have flipped it by the end of the semester)

So I went to the Family Planing place in Wareham today for my medical history appointment. Wow is all I can say. They ask about EVERYTHING!!! The lady, Donna, told me about how some people tell her they have anal sex with out lube or a condom. That's just nasty. Next week I'm supposed to go for my physical exam and then I'll get my pills. Thank god they work on a sliding scale based on income. Turns out I'll be able to get my exam, STD testing, birth control, and things like that all for about $35 dollars. They told me if I had gone with insurance it would cost more because Blue Cross Blue Shield doesn't cover it.

FREE CONDOMS!!!
Yes they gave me a bag of 25 different condoms. One of them is called Night Light and I can only imagine Star Wars in my head. Chocolate, strawberry, and vanilla. I have the Neapolitan ice cream of condoms here. The rest aren't all that interesting.

Now lets hope I dont die of embarrasment during the pelvic exam.

Quittin' smokin'(a progress report)

Currently:
Feeling: relaxed
Tasting: Tomato soup prom Panera Bread
Listening to: 3 doors down "Here without you"
Located: work once again

I had my last ciggarret last thursday. I only had one drag on friday and nothing since then. I've been in a much nicer disposition. Other people have noticed. E said I look much better. And dont tell anyone but I may sort of, kind of like being a not sad person. Its funny because when I did smoke I used to think it relaxed me. Thus making me easier to be around. Funny how your veiws shift when you come out of the smoke cloud.

I was surprised when I got out of work last night and it was still day light out. I think part of my good mood could be attributed to the change in weather. Soon I'll be able to wear lighter clothing(as in style, not color). If my legs are in decent shape by then I might even wear a skirt(GASP!). If they still suck then I'll just wear funky stockings so i can smooth out the lumps and bumps.

Im excited for spring break because I can finally get all my appointments done. Dentist, doctor, gynocologist, hair dresser and such have been seriously neglected.

I need new friends

I'm getting very tired of the drama with my two gay friends. GUYS ARE SUPPOSED TO BE DRAMA FREE DAMN IT!!!

Currently I am:
Feeling: drained and used
Tasting: Mountain Dew
Listening to: Alicia Key's "Falling"
Located: work as always

So I'm supposed to be going to Province town this Saturday with my friend Steven and his fiance Justin. Every time I hang out with them I'm the only girl. I was getting kinda tired of this so i decided I was going to bring my friend Autumn. We planned on staying at Justin's the night before because he lives in Dennis port. When Steven tells this to Justin, he gets all pissy about it and says if she has to come then he just wont go. I feel that's fucked up because I make it possible for him and Steven to see each other when they aren't supposed to be. All I wanted was some more girl in the mix. The three of us got into a giant scream fest that ended with me storming out screaming and swearing at them and leaving Steven stranded. At this point I just don't give a shit anymore. They use me for their forbidden relationship and I'm tired of it.

Steven had the nerve to call me today looking to see if the trip was still on. I told him I don't have a car this weekend mine died(big fat lie) because I just didn't want to go in a circle. He said why not use your moms car. My mom actually does have to work all weekend and will need to move between jobs at times that i would be away with the car. I told him I'm not taking his mom's car because what happens if she needs it. I'm also not on her insurance and what happens if we get in a car accident? He suggested the little burgundy car in my drive way. Oh yes lets take the car that has no inspection sticker, no licence plates, no valid insurance on it, and has mice in the engine. Dip shit.

My boss and manager both think these two are suckers. They suck your energy and money out until you put up boundaries. Then they either comply or leache onto someone else.

Where's the whiskey when you need it?

"You got my head spinning..."

At least thats what the sudden tidal wave of customers and tasks has done to me.

Currently I am:
Feeling: overwhelmed
Listening to: Some 80s song on the radio that i actually DON'T like
Tasting: water lol
Located in: work(what else is new?)

Almost as soon as I get into work today it seems that everyone and their mother needed to call or come in all at the same time.I've been here since 9:30 and i have only just now gotten a moment to sit and think. The cleaning ladies kept me laughing telling me I should just tell the customers to F*** off we dont have shoe s*** here. I told them even that wouldnt get my sorry ass fired. Seriously, I've tried to quit. The boss wont let me.

I'm gonna be going to Provincetown on the 15th with my gay friend Steven and his fiance Justin. My mom told me not to go into the sex shops because I would be scared. Now that she's told me this my curiosity will get the better of me and I'll end up looking in at least one of them.

I wonder whats taking my pizza so long to arrive. Im a chubby kid and i like to eat dang it!

Filler entry here

Just a filler entry since Im behind with my numbers:

Currently I am:
Feeling: anxious wondering if I'll crank out this entry befor class starts
Listening to: two girls pissed off about hilary clinton winning more then obama
tasting: nothing
Located in: the connector between north and south hall

Yes yes another fluffy entry. I dont know why but I felt the need to make another one right befor im supposed to hand over the URL to Professor Kershner.

I guess I should apologize for any feelings of discomfort at my previous entry about my lady problems. I dont think befor i say(or type) things alot of the time.

Im starting to get my finances in order. Thank god I wont be as broke as I am. I really feel stupid for screwing up my checking so badly. I have locked up the debit card for the next month in an attempt to recover.

Sitting in the connector is a good place to go "people watching". Making up back stories for total strangers is something my cousin Bobby got me into. Like the shaggy haired kid who smells like a basement that just walked by. I think he really wishes he could be in a band so he could have the novelty of groupies. But his hair flopping over his eyes says he's too shy to go for it.

WOW i belive thats the most random blog post i've made yet.

Mission to Birth Control do you copy?

I'm not a trollop. I'm just taking care of my health.

Currently I am:
Feeling: a little confused
Listening to: O*Town "I showed her"(yea I'm lame)
Tasting: salt and vinegar chips
Located in: work

I decided to put myself on some birth control pills. I'm just plain sick of the uncertainty with my "red flag". I thought I was going to skip it last month since it was like 2 weeks late and I haven't had sex in almost 3 years. Nope just when I though I was in the clear it comes out of no where with a vengeance. I have absolutely no intentions of telling my parents. They are aware that I have had sex but I seriously believe that they think I wont have it again since an unpleasant incident that happened 3 years ago. If they find out I really don't care. I'm 20 years old and at some point in the future there will be some guy out there that wants to sleep with me for some reason unbeknown to myself.

The sucky part about going on the pill is that I have to quit smoking. What the hell am I supposed to do on my break at work? I just hope they dont tell me I can't drink alchomahols anymore. That would suck even worse. We will have to see on the 11th.

"How you remind me..."

I suddenly feel very young.

I have to listen to music when I'm doing homework of any sort. My usual choices have started to sound the same. To mix it up I decided to throw on a disc that I probably havent played in 6 years. The band is called O*Town. They came from the show "Making the band" waaaaaaaaaaay back. They started out as the typical boy band. All dressing the same with that poppy boy-band sound. Im listening to their second disc in which they sort of create their own sound and image. The music is a combination of some rock-sounding riffs with a little hip hop, a few shreds of that pop music and of course the typical breakin' up song. Right now the song "Suddenly" is playing and this takes me back to around the time my second boyfriend broke up with me. I was still on the mend from my first boyfriend who lasted 11 months. On top of getting broken up with twice in a month I had just started high school. I dont adapt to change easily and everything happening at once just felt so overwhelming.

There's another song on this disc that reminds me of all the cheating my first boyfriend did. It's called "I only dance with you" the begining starts out with this guy meeting his girlfriends best friend and the best friend basicly trying to get the guy to be hers. The only differnce between song guy and my ex is that my ex didnt try to stop the hoes.

Hmmm double posts.

Low-blow to the ego fo sho'!

The other night was a total downer.

Currently I am:
Feeling: frustrated
Listening to: a freebie promo CD from Newbury Comics
Tasting: nothing
Located in: still sinking mattress

I have become so completely pathetic that the only offer I've gotten for intimate contact with the opposite sex is from my gay friend Steven. Does it say desprate on my face? I mean I know I have T to look forward to this summer but I cant help but peak around. Like this guy in my english class this semester.We'll call him E. We hooked up a few times and almost dated. I know he's got his girlfriend but I still think about those late night adventures. Wow now I sound like some creepy pervert. Ok moving on.

I finally finally really decided that my research paper will be on gun control. I am no allowing myself to change it anymore.

Wow another blog post that feels more like pulling teeth then fun.

"See androids fighting..."

Yea got The Rocky Horror Picture Show music stuck in my head.

Currently I am:
Feeling: much better then yesterday
Listening to: nothing
Tasting: bubble gum flavored mouth wash(yea I'm really a 6 year old with a 20 year old's body)
Located in: bed that needs its mattress turned over soon(sink hole yes?)

I haven't been in the best of moods since about Thursday when I found out my checking account is very overdrawn. This isn't good because in about four days i will need to have some kind of money in this account to go toward my payment plan for school. I have no idea how I'm going to do this. I really hate asking for money from people but I will have to bite the bullet because if I screw up the payment plan its marks down on my credit score. This whole thing coupled with the shitty sleep schedule last week has sent me into a combination depression/frustration.

I did end up attending the multicultural festival on campus today. It was actually a lot of fun despite going by myself. I learned that there is a lot more culturally on the cape then I used to think. I wish i could have looked more at what the vendors where selling but it was just so crowded.

I need some inspiration for flippin' blog entries.

I feel old

I'm running myself down.

Currently I am:
Feeling: worn out
Listening to: some people talking on the radio
Tasting: mint gum
Located in: work

I'm begining to think the reason I feel as old and worn as I do is because of the people I hang out with. Im very mellow and laid back. For the most part I dont let things get to me. However, the group of people I hang out with is the exact opposite. The majority of my friends are ADD/ADHD. Extremely high strung people who can survive off 15 minutes of sleep a week. Last night I decided to go bowling with Steve and his boyfriend Justin. I didnt realize we would be bowling for 4 hours at a dollar a string. By the end of this i wasnt trying to aim even remotely close to our lane. My arms where on fire and i couldnt see straight. The boys on the other hand where not affected. They loked like they could go for weeks and not be tired.

This isnt the first time I've hung out with ADHDs. No, in fact all 4 boyfriends I've had in my short love life have all been italian ADHDs. I used to be able to keep up with them but lately I've been feeling the strain of not having a normal sleep scheduel. I wonder if i would stil feel like this if i had different friend and normal boyfriends.

If only I could turn back time...

"Hanging by a moment..."

And living on a prayer...

Currently I am:
Feeling: pleasantly happy
Listening to: my key board a-clickin'
Tasting: nothing
Located in:bed

This has been an interesting weekend. I spent most of yesterday with my friend Steven. We went onto the base and bought cigaretts. Decided we wanted to go see Sweeny Todd at 4:45. It was around 2:30 when we decided this. I drove back into town and he directed me to his uncle's house. Uncle wasn't home so we went back to my house and messed around online. Got back to the movies at 4:30 and sat in the theater "people watching". We got about 20 mins into the movie, decided it sucked and drove back to my house to pick up my sister to go out to dinner. After dinner I dropped Steve off at his house and went home. Went online trying to hold an IM conversation with T(the one whose chipping away at the walls i put up to protect my heart). I got board and logged off. I fell asleep for two hours befor T decided to call me at 2AM and pay attention to me. Talked for a little while then did our 5 minute goodbye. Yes I know. The Jaded One is sooooooo falling into the gooey relationship feelings about this one.

Today I went to church and drank lots of free coffee. Came home and sorted through all the stuff my mom bought us while she was in Nashville. I couldn't eat diner because my stomach was in knots. Bratwurst and onions arent exactly a soothing stomach method.

And here I sit at 2AM again wishing I could telepathicly blow up T's PS3.

My head hurts

Got that kind of headache that makes your head throb.

Currently I am:
Feeling:like beating my head in with a rock
Listening to: the swishing of my water bottle
Tasting: shot of jack with a coca cola chaser
Located in: bed

So not a whole lot of interesting stuff going on with me personally. However there seems to be a ton of stuff going on with those around me. For instance my mom has been in Nashville all week this week and it seems like she hasn't even left. She calls very frequently with greetings and various comments and questions about stuff she's purchased us. I really just glad she made it down there at all. She forgot her wallet in her car on tuesday morning after waiting 45 minutes in line. She had to then take the bus back to her car to get her wallet, ride back and wait in line another 45 minutes. She ended up missing her original flight by 2 minutes. The flight she took after put her in Charlotte, North Carolina when her original layover was in Washington D.C. She did eventually make it to Nashville and miraculousy so did her bags. Which is good because she had an entire suit case full of Tea Tree Shampoo for her friend she was going to see. I just hope she doesnt do the same thing coming home tomorrow.

My Uncle Dan is in the hospital with an infection in his hand. He had a scab that, like most guys, he picked off. The next day at work he had on rubber gloves that irratated the picked off scab and made his hand swell up as if he was reacting to the latex. He went to the hospital and the doctor told him he was having some sort of reaction. The doctor then discovers he has very high blood pressure. We're talking like walking heart attack. This is all from him picking a scab.

I guess mom's right when she says dont pick it!!!

"Love me, love me, say that you love me..."

EMERGENCY!!!! MY BITTER DISPOSITION MAY BE IN JEOPERDY!!!

Currently I am:
Feeling:conflicted
Listening to: my sniffling nose
Tasting:bubble gum mouth wash(im really just a 6 year old in a 20 year olds body)
Located in: bed

Have finally decided to go with abortion for my English research paper. Severly cliche i would expect but alas my brain isnt working.

Yes the bitterness of me and this blog(that no one reads) is in jeoperdy!!! I have met someone who has the potential to become a boyfriend. His name is T and he's very sweet. I actually smile since having met him. This creates quite a conflict inside me. Here I am this bitter 20 year old. I've spent alot of time working on my bitter and cynical attitude. Making it clear to anyone that knows me that if they even so much as hint that i would be happier with a boyfriend they will need to dodge various odjects that have suddenly gained the ability to fly. I've put up walls to protect my heart and feelings, been looking out for myself. I've run away from things that I think will hurt me. All to make sure I dont get hurt. Now I meet some one and im starting to see just the tiniest of cracks in my walls. I put up patches to try and keep it all together. Keeping him at an arms length is hard when his hugs are so nice.

*dreamy sigh*

"Im not crazy, Im just a little unwell..."

PEOPLE think I'm crazy when actually I'm just bored

Currently I am:
Feeling:a little sleepy and kind of nervouse for my mom flying to Nashville tomorrow
Listening to: the whiring of the dehumidifyer
Tasting: nothing
Located in:bed

So Im begining to officially freak the fuck out about English class. I have no clue what to do my research paper on and its driving me crazy. I submitted my proposal on immunizations and the diagnosis of autism but that topic is not good because of the lack of evidence. So far the only topic that sticks in my head would be perms and their effects on the environment. If only the college had books on that sort of thing. I also need to conduct an interview with some one in the industry. I hate talking to people. Its all that anxiety from public speaking.

On a lighter note I almost dove on my sister today. Now now befor you think "how is that a lighter note?" let me tell you the whole story. My sister Kelly is a junior in high school. Very tomboyish, never been into girly stuff unless we force her to do it. My mom, other sister Rebecca and I have decided Kelly is going to junior prom and she will be dressed up nicely. While driving down mainstreet in buzzards bay today we see a bridal shop with prom dresses in the window. I point it out and say how about a dress from there? Kelly says "Thats a bridal shop" and Rebecca pipes in "yea they dont sell prom dresses there" Now I started preparing for prom when I was in 7th grade. I had stacks and stacks of prom magazines for dresses and hair dos and make up galore. I spent four years looking for a dress and 2 deciding on a hair style. To say I am an expert on proms would be pretty accurate. My response to my sister Rebecca saying bridal shops dont sell prom dresses: "Fuck you bridal shops do so sell prom dresses. Do not even talk to me about proms. I know what places sell prom dresses and what places dont"

The car got really quiet.

"RIP HER TO SHREDS..."

I was to drunk to figure out where my lap top was let alone try and do anything productive with it.

Currently I am:
Feeling: hung over(damn you jack daniels)
Listen to: Some guy on the radio
Tasting: Greek pizza and Coca Cola
Location: physically at work mentally in the fetal position at home

I am anti-valentines day. I think thats fairly obvious 2 any one that has ever been near me on that loathsome day. A scoul fixed upon my face as my attire consists of as much black clothing as one can possibly stand. I spend the day sweating bitterness. The night is spent in a overly intoxicated state whilst eating extra dark chocolates purchased specificly for this day of fluff and frill. And its been spent like that for the last 6 years.

Here's why:

Love-an emotion that should be able to be expressed everyday of the year. Why must we devote one day a year to it?

The color scheme(red and pink)- Ok seriously who the fuck decided to pair these colors together and call them "valentines"? One's the color of blood and the other is often used to describe conjunctivitis.Ooooh crusty oozing eyes. Not exactly romantic eh?

The pressure-dont act like there isnt any. People feel so much pressure to show their love for one another that they get engaged, married, civily united(the homosexual equivilant to a wedding)often to someone they only think they love.

The gifts- cards,flowers,candies,lingerie(dont be such a prude),stuffed animals and jewelry. I can not for the life of my understnad why anyone would choose these preceeding gifts.
Card...you read it once, thank the giver and where does it end up? Framed on the wall? No sorry. Crumpled up on the trash? Yea thats more accurate. Flowers...Yes give me some flowers that are gonna die in a week because HOLY CRAP they've been severed from their roots. I'll pass thanks. Candies...dont get me wrong.Im a chubby chick and I love me some candy. What I dont love is that they dress it up in a velvet box shaped like a heart and jack the price up. Lingerie...it isnt just valentines day that this stuff irratates me. Its everyday. I really dont feel sexy and "in the mood" when im stuffed into this itty bitty lace and satin number. I feel more like an 8 pound sausage in a 2 pound casing. Stuffed animals...if i hear one more high pitched whining stuffed animal blather on about ooey gooey kissy crap Im going to scream myself to death. Jewelry...over priced shiney objects as a token of love? Need I say more?

Well now i feel much better getting that out of my system.

(insert title interesting here)

Damn you creative juices!!! COME BAAAAACK!!!!!!

Currently I am:
Feeling: irratated
Listening to: Carrie Underwood "Befor he cheats"
Tasting: Tomato Soup from Panera Bread
Located: work

I'm really struggling with blog posts lately. I was all kinds of excited when I first started. Now I'm barely getting anything out. There's just nothing worth writing about lately. I dont want to post my yearly V-day rant early because thats just stupid. As that dreaded excuse for a "holiday" creeps closer I find it harder and harder to ignore it. ^ok that was just a little preview for Thursdays rant.

My manager thinks I'm depressed. I dont want admit that maybe I possibly am because that would mean going back on pills and having to talk to someone about it. I dont want to rely on pills to be happy. I want to make my own happy. When I told someone very near to me that I had stopped taking them in January 07 that person was so proud and happy for me. I just dont want to lose that. Its not just about that one person either. It's for myself as well.

I just dont know what to think anymore.

Nothin in particular

There isn't any specific topic in this entry.

Currently I am:
Feeling: nausueas,sleepy and slightly more bitter then yesterday(this wont get any better till after valentines day)
Listening to: clickety click of my key board and my dryer
Tasting: nothing
Located: my bed

So today wasnt all that exciting. I had to work at 10 in the nail salon. This meant I had to be in at least 10 minutes early in order to set up for my client. In an attempt to make up for time lost because I forgot to reset my clock after the power went out yesterday I took my moms car because she was on the end of the drive way. I mindlessly handed over my key ring completely forgetting that my key to get into work was on the ring until i pulled into the drive way. I was very lucky that my coworker got there 5 minutes later because I would have had to compensate my client for my lack of focus. After I was done with my one and only client of the day I went home to get my mom and we went to the "rich peoples" mall. I spent the day in search of a pair of black knee-high boots with a chunky heel and wide calf. No such luck. Ended up buying some under garments and fancy food spreads. My mom and I where so tired we ended up just bying a bunch of frozen finger foods for dinner. I've been dieting for about 2 weeks now and apparently that really kills your tolerance for fried frozen foods. I have been hugging the toilet all night as if I had a hangover.

I am begining to think my car hates me. A few weeks ago a belt and water pump both broke right around the time i had to make my first payment for classes. This set me about $136 in the red. Ever since I got my car back it's been making a spealing noise. Being the busy lady that I am I havent been able to take my car back for service. Well now I have to make time because my check engine light just went on yesterday. I'm bringing it in on Monday and praying its nothing expensive because I just dont have the money.

Tomorrow will be a day of church, rest, studying, and a birthday party for my dads friends one year old. I just hope I have the time to get it all done. Damned procrastination.

The histroy of my "blogging"

Since Im about 4 entries behind what my proff said we should have and my creative juices have pretty much evaporated I bring you a "filler entry"

Currently I am:
Feeling: sore in my mouth because my dentist is trying to havest my blood by hacksawing my gums
Listening to: conversations around me
Tasting: milk
Located: on my living room couch

From the time I was about 8 years old I've kept a diary or "blog" of some sort. I remember my first diary was from Six Flags New Jersey. It was light blue with Tweety Birds face on the front and a lock and key closure. I thought I was just about the coolest 8 year old around. I believe this journal lasted me until I was 11 and in the fifth grade. After filling up that journal I aquired a hard cover journal with sea shells. I used a roll on perfume on the binding of each page to make it smell nice. I also refuse to write in anything but a purple pen that had gold swirls on the out side of it. This journal held some very important mile stones being that it held me for most of middle school.

Next and sort of lastly was my Backstreet Boys jounal. I was 13 when I started writting in it and I used it till just befor freshman year. This journal basicly had the members of my favorite boy band at the time on the cover and each page. Inside of this book held manyof my firsts. Details of my first kiss (and subsequent first make out), first boyfriend, losing my virginity, and first(of many many) broken hearts. While I was keeping this journal I also kept my first online blog at TeenOpenDiary.com. The site worked great at first but after a while the server started breaking down pretty frequently. Then the administrator of the site decided to shut it down all together. I only kept this blog for about a year and stopped shortly after I started high school.

After that I stopped seriously keeping a diary for about 3 years. I had random blogging sights where I would make a journal entry but become bored with it and delete it soon after. I just didnt have time or energy to keep one. I did to start another journal when I was about 18 but i never really kept up with it. Its sad because the last journal was very nice. It had a teal silk covering with pretty sequins and sparkly bits embedded in the pages. I have a myspace and every so often I will post a nonsensicle rant or a goofy email I recieve in the blog feature on it. Its no where near where my other journals and blogs have been.

I guess I was blogging befor it was the cool thing.

Is there such a thing as a caffine hangover?

If it didn't exist befor I have had the first one in the history of hangovers today.

Currently I am:
Feeling: nauseaus
Listening to: The Rocky Horror Picture Show soundtrack
Tasting: nothing
Located at: work

I really do think Im in the middle of a caffine hangover. I've been feeling pukey all day and can't stand smelling food. This happening after I downed a couple gallons of combination of coffee, energy drinks, and regular sodas starting just befor half time last night and continuing until after that horrible ending to a nail biting game.

You may ask why I would want to ingest such a deadly amount of caffine. Couldnt stay awake for the game? No. Wanted to bounce off the walls and annoy the hell out of fellow party goers? No. Needed to stay awake for the long ride home from Fitchburge after the game? BINGO!!! I had the bad luck of having to work this morning at 7 A.M.

I was in Fitchburge last night because I was attending a party my best friend, Caitlyn, was throwing for the big game. Thus the reasoning behind my need to swallow such amounts. I havent seen Caitlyn since last summer so even if I was dragging myself across the lawn when I got home (which I was) I was still going up to see her. I got to meet some of her new friends. Her friend Staphanie actually works on the staff of the Boston cast of The Rocky Horror Picture Show. It was too awesome talking to her.

I have learned that Caitlyn doesnt give good directions. I got lost a bunch of times trying to go home and ended up in Acton. Took me close to 3 hours to get home. Its alot of fun to see how fast you can go on the highway when you litterally the only car out there. Even better trying to answer the phone.

"Taking care of Business and workin over time..."

So I'm not technically working over time but I'm working none the less.

Currently I am:
Feeling: mellow
Listening to: the soothing music from my boss' Reiki room
Tasting: the last few bits of a mint I had 10 mins ago
Located: At work

So here I sit. Another day at this boring a** job counting the minutes till I can go home. Since my boss is in her healing room with a client, thus leaving me to entertain myself, I decided its interwebs time. Normaly I will fire up th ol' lappy, search for a connection to wireless and amuse myself for a few hours. Today was a day to check my email. Losts of junk mail, (seriously? How many different "male enhancement" drugs that "realy work no lie" can there possibly be?) and an email from my Uncle Tim. A forward message as usual. Normally he sends emails with funny pictures and jokes in them. But today my poor poor uncle fell victim to "the mega money hoax". You know the one where Bill Gates wants to give you a buttload of cash just for sending this email to all your friends. Being the skeptical cynic I am, I decided to do a quick Google search of the names listed in the actual email (after having scrolled through 10 miles of previous senders). After just typing one name into Google search I was given exactly 1,810 different websites basically stating the "Pearlas Sandborn(or sanbourne)" is just a figment of some bored computer geek's imagination. She doesn't exist. Yet tons of people still forward this bogus email.

I belive the reason people will forward things of this nature is because it claims to yeild a lot of money in return for your minimal efforts. Yes I said it. The drive behind this is greed and people's general laziness. I'm just plain fed up with it. I get enough junk email from strangers(I really dont think Oprah needs my money). Now my own family is getting sucked in.

In an attempt to either make my Uncle Tim laugh his a** off or make him stutter with embarrasment over his temporary lapse in intelligence I replied to his email(after cutting out the 10 miles of previous senders YOUR WELCOME!!!) saying "Do a google search on little Miss Pearlas Sandborn. Let me know what you find :) love Andrea". I wonder what he'll reply with, if anything at all.

Have a nice day!

Rubs me the wrong way...

Currently I am:
Feeling: Uncomfortable because of the heart burn I'm suffering through
Listening to: The clickety click of my keyboard
Tasting: Nantucket Nectars Orange Mango
Located: At work

Things that rub me the wrong way:

Public Speaking...

(Yes Professor Kershner you game in class today inspired this blog entry.)

I once read that the second worst fear by Americans is death. This is only beaten by public speaking being number one. This means that people would rather be the body in the box rather then give the eulogy. I have to say that I agree with most Americans. I hate having to "stand up in front of the class and share you paper/story/article". I'm a painfully shy girl by nature. Soft spoken, quiet, self concious and coy could describe me. I prefer to remain inconspicuous as far as my actions go. While the opposite could be said about my appearence and sense of humor. I dont even like walking into class late because I feel like everyone is staring me down. I often lose points because I dont speak loud enough and tend to rush through my presentations. I just dont like being the center of attention.

This is really only true for people I dont know very well and class presentations. When I get comfortable with people I'm much more open and outgoing. I can be loud and silly. I'll burst into song and dance in the middle of the store with out a care. I'm lucky that the few friends I have will always join in with me.

I've come to the conclusion that being as shy as I am is probably why I only have a few friends and have never been able to approach a guy if I have feelings of attraction toward him. One of my New Years Resolutions this year was to be more outgoing and less of an introvert. Wish me luck!!!

And it begins...

The first entry of my new brand-spankin' new blog.

Currently I am:
Feeling: Tired of the BS
Tasting: nothing
Hearing: No Doubt "Different People"
Located in: My messy bedroom

So I guess this will be the introduction entry. They call me Andrea. Im currently 20 years old living in Massachusetts. Im living at home while I go to school. I live with my parents, two younger sisters (Kelly and Rebecca) and my dog Buddy. I work two jobs to pay for school,gas and books. My main job is as a manicurist/receptionist/sales clerk/office bitch/delivery girl. I also work two mornings a week as an early morning day care provider. Im also a babysitter/chauffer/b****ing partner.When I'm not at work, school, or driving everyone and their cousin everywhere I like to listen to music, snuggle up in bed with a good book, knit, hang out in Weymouth with my cousin and her crazy friends, or veg out on my lap top(will henceforth be know as lappy).

I'm painfully shy in person. It takes me a long time to open up to others. Those close to me know that I'm brutally honest with a delightfully sarcastic sense of humor. I have zero tolerance for lieing when it comes to relationships. I'm honest with you I expect the same in return. I've been burned by liars in the past and I dont need or want to deal with that mess. This is probably a major contributor to my reluctance to let people in.

Thats pretty much it.